Thursday, October 6, 2011

I wish it was cool to pee your pants

Babies pee their pants all the time, and its awesome.

Mom and dad are happy everything is going well with the child's digestive system, wipes his/her ass clean, covers it with all kinds of yummy smelling baby products and goes on with their day until the next time they relieve themselves.

The memories i wish we could keep forever.

I would love to see the look on my mothers face as she wipes my shitty butt when suddenly a pile of chocolate colored mush comes slowing gushing out of my anus while she is about to put a clean diaper on.  

Those were the fun times, I'm sure.

Mom, have i ever told you how much i love you for cleaning up my bathroom mess while i was incapable?

Im pretty sure i was so lazy that i milked the "I cant wipe myself" phase for as long as i could.

It's so much easier not having to go through the process of washing your hands and the sanitizing routine your parents taught you as a child. Its just to much damn work!

When someone else does it for you there's no worry about whether or not you have some feces residue lingering under a finger nail or something.

As a baby you can even leak diarrhea through your diaper in the middle of a restaurant and someone will still make you try and give them a high five, babies giving high fives are the cutest things ever. I've witnessed it.

I made a kid give me a high five today after he picked his nose. It was awesome.

Gotta love germs. Booger germs, apparently are worse than pee germs. I still don't believe it.

I think its an urban legend and myth busters should test it out.

Suddenly this all changes when your an adult, and its no longer acceptable just to relieve yourself anywhere. I don't agree with this, peeing your pants should be cool.

We can leave the leaky diarrhea bum for the toilets however.

If I'm relaxing on the couch watching a movie I don't want to get up when I have the sudden urge to pee. I need to have the ability to sit and enjoy an entire movie without interruption.

Especially since my DVD player is broken and cant pause. That's when I end up missing crucial scenes and start asking my boyfriend whats going on over and over and over again.

I'm sure it gets annoying after a while.

I would want to punch me in the face if i were him. But we all know where that would lead...broken ribs.

Then there are the cold winter nights snuggled comfy and cozy in bed, the most comfortable I've been in forever, when my bladder suddenly feels its going into a volcanic eruption. I don't want to move and start to consider letting it all out on the covers.

But I cant.

I don't think my boyfriend wants a golden shower either. I do consider others feelings sometimes.

I make my journey to the bathroom, waste five minutes of my life, get back in bed and try to get into that amazingly comfortable position I will never discover again.

If it wasn't unacceptable, i would have sunk in a pile of pee until morning.

And those times when I'm at the bar...

After my third or fourth tequila cranberry and pinneapple, its time to break the seal. In the process of trying to be an adult and not urinate on the floor, I head to the stalls. One problem, all the other girls in the bar decided it would be a good idea to do the same.

Thirty minutes later, I miss last call and almost pee my pants anyway. What good did that bring?

This may be why i usually choose to let it flow outdoors.

In bank parking lots, on deuschy neighbors rugs, in the shower....

why not kill two birds with one stone? 

Peeing in the shower is awesome, it preserves an extra ten seconds of my life. Then I can use that extra time to floss my teeth.

Dental hygiene matters people!

All of this might just prove how truly lazy i am.

In my defense though...

I try and keep myself busy.

I'm not one of those people who can sit still.

Serving in a restaurant never gives you the time to be lazy anyhow. Take your eyes off a table for one second and depending on how needy the costumer is, it might cost you your twenty percent tip.

Its fucked up that some people don't even let you take a minute just to piss.

During these times is when i wish it was cool to pee your pants.

That way, i could go on taking orders from tables in my pee pants and everything would be alright. I heard that pee is sterile anyway so it wouldn't be violating any cleanliness rules. People can drink others peoples pee and be fine right?

Okayy.. I just grossed myself out right there

But if other people weren't so damn picky about how fast, or even sometimes, how slow they want their service I wouldn't feel the need to make peeing my pants cool.

We should start a movement. A pee your pants movement. Lets turn heads and change the world! All you gotta do is pee your pants!


  1. <3 this. Peeing does take up way too much time in my life. :)

  2. I peed in my pants until I was in kindergarten. I was just too lazy to go to the washroom. Bahaha!!!!!!

  3. I was pretty good about holding it when i was younger. Now i think about it and i wish i milked that for a little while longer too.

  4. Though nothing is worse than wet jeans.

    Wet sweatpants I can dig.

  5. We'll just have to plan to wear sweatpants then. :-p

  6. LOL at the "breaking the seal" comment. I'm the same way in that I try to go as long as I can before peeing, because then it's like you have to go to the bathroom every 10 minutes after that. You cracked me up with this.

  7. I believe the answer to your question is Incontinent pants. No more embarrassing stains and if you are as funny as Billy Connolly you can create one of the funniest comedy routines of all time....look it up on UTube if you have never seen it....

  8. LMAO! I have to get me a pair of those! They can be the latest fashion!

    and Matt its terrible! Especially when i drink beer, its the worst.

  9. I just laughed so hard I almost wet myself! I'm a new follower and i'm really enjoying your sense of humor.

  10. thanks! :-) I like making people wet...wait.