Fried spiders taste like peanuts

The only thing i like about winter is that all the bugs seem to go into hibernation. No creepy crawlers on the ceiling, walls or floor, none coming from behind or under a couch. My life inside is great! Until spring comes along.

I love more things about spring and summer than i hate, but the one thing i hate about this time of year is a creature that makes my skin curl, my eyes water and chills run up and down my spine. A creature like none other, terrifying and cunning. This many legged being will hide in any corner plan its attack and then WAM! DEAD!...well maybe not really, but any time i feel a tickle or see a spot out of the corner of my eye i automatically fear its an 8 legged black beast.

None other than...the spider. DUN DUN DUN!

Spiders fucking suck. I know they eat all the other bugs and blah blah blah, but i don't care about all the other bugs. All i car about is the spiders. Nothing should have that many legs, the way they crawl...ick, it sickens me just thinking about it. Every time i see one it runs right towards me. They smell my fear! I cant even kill them by myself, what if as soon as i squish the little fucker hes gonna use some magical devil spider-power grow into a giant monster spider killer, crawl out from behind my shoe, go up my leg and EAT MY FACE! 

I like my face just how it is thank you.

You didn't know that spiders growled? Well they do. Its terrifying!

All i want to do is live my life and they are interfering with everything. I try to take a shower, there is one sitting on the shower curtain planning its attack, cook dinner and there is one that comes crawling from behind the toaster oven. CANT YOU ALL JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!

I feel like its even worse because my boyfriend and i live in a basement apartment. You know all the creepy crawling critters love to hang out in basements. But they need to find someone else's basement to take over, because if they even think about walking one of there bazillion legs near me, they have a fucking death wish!

Oh and look...it happened again. A page in my book moved, i have a black pen bookmarking the page i last read and of course...i freaked out because i thought it was a spider.

Ugh! stupid stupid stupid! I cant keep going like this, watching my every move, peaking behind every corner, looking at every ceiling so I'm not surprised by a dangling arachnid. I went to go leave my apartment this morning and it took me probably 20 minutes to get the courage to step over the 8 legged creature blocking the doorway. I think he was trying to get me to stay so he could grab his buddies and crawl in my mouth while i take a nap....ew.

My boyfriend read me an interesting fact the other day that fried spiders taste like peanuts. I love peanuts...but i don't want a spider going anywhere near my mouth. That i know of at least. 

It creeps me out knowing that we swallow 7 spiders a year or some shit like that already. Maybe thats why i have nightmares, perhaps they don't crawl in my mouth, maybe they crawl up my nose and into my brain and fuck with my head while I'm sleeping instead. Those conniving little beasts. They really are smarter than they look...and all though most of them are pretty small, at least around here, they are terrifying!

I wouldn't want to live in a place where you have to watch out for tarantulas. And what about camel spiders...THOSE SUCKERS CAN GROW UP TO EIGHT FUCKING INCHES!!! Are you for real?? I would pass out..or die of a heart attack. Guess who isn't going to visit the middle east...ever. Soldiers out there right now, good luck sleeping with those monsters crawling around in the desert. I would have rather that stayed a legend.

Dear creepy old man, Fuck off!

So here i am at the supermarket on a serious mission for hair spray and contact solution while minding my own business when this 70 something year old man asks me to help in locating the Tylenol for his wife.

No harm in participating in some helpful community service for the nearsighted elderly man right? All he wanted was to find some pain killers for his old wife, probably in pain from arthritis or some shit.

I show him where the Tylenol is, read him the labels so he can choose the best one.

"Well this one is 13 bucks and its the Tylenol extra strength rapid release and there is the regular extra strength but the bottle is smaller for 9 bucks." Thats all they had at the shaws in town we refer to as the "Ghetto shaws". Not much of a selection.

After he picked out his wife's correct medication i continued on my hair spray, contact solution searching journey. And suddenly the wrinkly old man asks, with my back facing him,

"this is some form of birth control isnt it?"

My immediate thoughts..."What the fuck!? Was that a pick up line!?" but sometimes i think before i speak. I was caught by surprise and after a moment of silence i answer with a simple "umm no.."

He looks at me, continuing on this awkward conversation i wasn't prepared to have, and says "What kind of birth control do you use?"

None of your fucking business! your junk probably aint workin right anyway, so why do you give two fucks (no pun intended) about birth control. This conversation was already starting to give me unfortunate and disgusting graphic mental images. Ew.

But being the polite young lady i am, even though in this situation i feel i have the right to be rude to a creepy old man, i answer with "I don't use birth control" At that point i would think he should end the conversation and realize that i use NO form of birth control at this point in my relationship, I wasn't going to go into details, but apparently he wanted to continue on this inappropriate conversation.

I think, to steer away from the current topic for a minute, he asks me where i'm from. I tell him the normal, how i'm not from anywhere but I've lived in this town for a while. He asks me my nationality, i tell him Puerto Rican and he tells me how he was "with" a Puerto Rican in Puerto Rico one time and it was more than interesting. I'm just thankful he didn't go into details...another ew.


After i thought i was safe from even more uncomfortable unwanted chit chat he then tells me "You know, you should think about going on birth control, it'll feel so much better when he doesn't use a condom, trust me."

Does this guy have a vagina i don't know about? I mean i guess its possible, but he was clearly thinking with his dick in aisle 7 and not his vagina. I guess there are some creepy horny lesbians out there too, but for real??

The worst part was that i hadn't even started looking for any items i came there for in the first place, and he was in MY aisle! Out of all aisles he could have been in that day at the supermarket he had to choose mine, and of course i was the only young semi good looking girl in the hygiene aisle that day...why does god curse me this way?? Shouldn't he be thinking that any normal young woman wouldn't be interested in a creepy old man with saggy balls hitting on them while they are shopping for hairspray and contact solution?

I guess the town i live in you wouldn't be to surprised if the guy payed enough money...there are lots of trashy people kickin around here, its kinda sad.

After a few more minutes of awkward conversation while trying to quickly pick out the cheapest products, I lie and say it was nice talking to him and then make my way to the register hoping he doesn't end up in the same line as me. And thank the sweet lord he was not, i didn't have to see him at all!

A perfect ending to a disturbing encounter.