Just go with it

Ten years ago, if you asked where i thought my life would be today, it would be no where near where i actually am.

15 year old Kayleigh would tell you, by now I would have accomplished my dream of being a singer. Not necessarily a famous singer. Even if I was in a garage band that played dive bars every other weekend, i would have been okay with it. Just as long as i was singing.

Ten years ago I would have to told you, "I'll be happily married to the love of my life working on having twelve children while pursuing my career in music."

Don't worry, I wasn't going to give birth to all twelve. My vagina would have needed a little break. 

I planned on having six kids of my own and adopting the rest. All kids need a home and i wanted to give a few unfortunate orphan children a loving family.

Little me checking if my brother is sick

At 5 years old I loved playing house just like every other little girl, carrying my dolls around pretending they were real babies.

 I would set up all my teddy bears on the floor as an audience while I performed songs on my bed-stage and tell my mom how i couldn't wait to be old enough to start my life as a mommy/rockstar.

I had it all figured out by the age of 5.

I was going to make money doing what i love and be able to take care of my small family of twelve kids with no problema.

Growing up my dad always said,

 "Find what you love to do and learn how to make money doing it." 

My dad and before my prom.

 That's how I knew, thought, my dream was going to become a reality.

He's always been good at supporting us no matter what path we chose throughout life. As long as it makes us happy, it makes him happy.

He's kind of awesome in that way.

Being older and perhaps a little wiser, I've narrowed down my kid count to two. My dream of singing for a living isn't going to become a reality and the cash isn't flowing the way I thought it would be at the age of 5 so I had to make a few changes.

A boy and a girl. Hopefully. If only there was a way to control the sex of my unborn child.

I've decided on Aurora for a girls name, inspired by the northern lights. I'm still working on the boy's name. I always liked Christian, I'll probably change my mind when it comes down to it.

I also believed that i would have kids by the time I was 23. That dream has come and gone.

I hoped to be a young mom.  

Not that teen mom kind of shit. I never wanted to be 16 with kids. Most of my high school friends accomplished that one for me.

After I got settled in my own apartment and found someone willing to lend me his sperm, I would start popping out kids like its my job. I wanted to be able to see my great grand kids grow up to be at least ten, while still being able to function properly.

Taking pictures before our Chorus concert.

If i even live that long. 

Once my kid count went down, i still wanted to start my family young. Five years ago i decided if i didnt have a kid by 25 I was going to give up all together, and now that im almost 25 i'm changing the age limit to 27.

But no way am i gonna start having kids at 30.

I'm not implying its bad that people want to have kids in there mid thirties. I get it. You want to make sure your comfortable, make sure you saw and did everything you wanted to accomplish before starting a family, which is understandable. But that's not what I want in life.

That has never been my plan. 

It's never been what i wanted.

I was born to be a mom. A great mom. Besides becoming a singer that's the only other dream I've had.

Of course, I want to travel and see the world, but i figure I can do that when I'm old and retired.

If i don't have a kid or am pregnant in about two years from now, i guess im just gonna be the cool aunty to all my friends babies and save money to start traveling the world before I'm old and retired.

I change my mind a lot though, so who knows.

Its funny how some things never work out the way you plan. Instead of singing in some bar-playing garage band, im a waitress at a Mexican restaurant with no kids and no ambition to do anything else.

Too much disappointment.

I know I'm young, its not like 25 means I'm old and decrepit and can't enjoy life or make new plans. I just figured I would have started the life I already had planned. And now that nothing has gone the way i wanted, i don't know what life there is to begin anymore.

I know I'm still young. I don't need to hear everyone say "You have your whole life in front of you, its not the end of the world". I know all this. So I guess that's why I'm going to try a new approach.

Even though my life isn't heading in the direction I used to picture it, I decided I should just go with it.

I'm going to try not making a plan for my life and see where i end up. Listen to my feelings and finally try to pursue my interests instead of just talking about them. Coming up with ideas and talking about where I want my life to be in ten years is easy, but going through with it has always been my downfall..

Don't be afraid to fail. 

"Your not good enough, be realistic" always repeats in the back of my mind when i chose to follow my dream. As much as i try and fight it, try and tell myself different it gets louder.

"Your not that good. No point in trying just to fail."

Finally pushing me to give up once the nerves take over. I know I should block out these negative thoughts. So what if i fail? You only live once. Just go with it.

Its not that easy for me.

"If your not nervous, you don't want it bad enough."

I heard this somewhere once, can't remember from where and Google isn't helping me at the moment, but its true. The only time I'm ever nervous is when I want something so bad I can taste it. I choose the path that leads me closer to my dream, take a step in the right direction, then BAM! The voice starts. A broken record I've been trying to remove from the player my brain built that keeps me from pursuing anything of importance.

Now I need to replace that record with a new one. One containing motivational thoughts. Each time I begin to think about failing and work up my nerves, ill think to myself how its a sign. A sign saying once i get past the nerves I could end up making a dream come true. Think about my dad and what he told me, "Find what you love to do, and learn how to make money doing it". He is a wise man. Not a rich man, but who cares about that anyway? As long as you can be happy. Money really isn't happiness. However, it definitely helps.

On a better, not so depressing note. I attempted to trim my own bangs for the second time.

The first time didn't work out so well because apparently my version of a straight line, isn't straight at all, more like crooked and extremely short. I spent a little more time on my bangs during this attempt. I think I was in the bathroom for a half hour slowing chopping away. At least it turned out to be a success. Well, sort of. They are still a little long, but short enough to keep my hair from blocking eyeballs and one side isn't almost cut completely off, another plus. So in my mind i see this as a win.

With more practice i wont have to wait until I can convince my friend to do it for me.

Aaaaannnddd I showed my godson the motivational video i made for him before he was born. He is only 5 months, but I could tell he enjoyed it. :-)

For life...

I don't know how everyone else feels about abortion. But I guess you would say I'm for life. Even though I believe that every woman has the power to make her own choices, I just know that If I had to make my own choice, no matter what, I would always choose life.

I am not a religious person. I couldn't tell you what I know happens once this life has passed, because I don't. All I know is the life that im living and loving right now. No mistakes and no regrets.

If I ever became pregnant I would deal with the consequences of my decisions and raise my child to the best of my ability...or if knew i wouldn't be able to fully support my child I would consider adoption to let someone else raise it to the best of their ability. You always have to do what you have to for the people you love.

So me and my boyfriend were discussing this today when I told him a friend of a friend recently found out she was pregnant.

Apparently it wasn't a planned pregnancy and my friend is hoping her friend will get an abortion. My immediate thoughts are "what the Fuck" she decided to go fuck dudes and just because she doesn't know who the father is doesn't give her a right to kill an unborn child. Live with your decision to not wrap it up or don't have sex at all you doosh bag. There are plenty of people out there who would give the world to have a child and you are gonna just kill it. That's not right.

There is one condition where I would understand if someone got an abortion.

Rape.

Even though I still believe everything happens for a reason, if your raped you should have the right to choose. Whether you choose abortion or just giving the child up for adoption.

I, on the other hand wouldn't have an abortion. Only because what if that man was sent to impregnate me for some reason beyond my comprehension. What if he is going to grow up to be someone who creates this spectacular invention that changes the world for good. Maybe he will be a united states president, the best one who ever lived. He could also grow up to be completely normal, go to school, college, get married have kids. Maybe he'll become a doctor and support his mama when she gets old and gray.

But on the chance that i wouldn't be able to live with looking at that child everyday and be reminded of one of my most terrifying experiences, I would put the baby up for adoption. Someone is out there who would love and care for that child not judging him every day for what his father did or was. Someone who has wanted children themselves for a long time but just never could.

When I told my boyfriend this, he told me if I decided to keep a baby from a man who raped me that he would leave. And I don't understand why? Why he wouldn't be there to help me through one of the hardest times in my life. Isn't that what loved ones are for?

He also told me that Hitler's mother was going to have an abortion and decided against it. He asked me if i would have been against that too. Well my answer is, she didn't and even if she had, I'm sure someone else somewhere in the world would have done something as horrible to another race or religion. Bad things happen every day, but you have to take the bad with the good. Good things come from horrible experiences as well. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger right? Not saying that I like what Hitler did, because every time i hear about the Holocaust or watch a movie about it i ball my eyes out knowing the terrible things he did to people. I do wish he never existed, but who is to say if he didn't exist it wouldn't have happened anyway. I'm sure the world would be completely different, the smallest decision can change everything and since that was a big part of history, how do we know that someone couldn't have done something even worse by just messing with fate.

There are probably few people who think like i do, but it is how I think and feel and nothing or no one is ever going to change my mind.

I would like to know your thoughts on abortion. When do you think it's okay? And why? or why not?