Just go with it

Ten years ago, if you asked where i thought my life would be today, it would be no where near where i actually am.

15 year old Kayleigh would tell you, by now I would have accomplished my dream of being a singer. Not necessarily a famous singer. Even if I was in a garage band that played dive bars every other weekend, i would have been okay with it. Just as long as i was singing.

Ten years ago I would have to told you, "I'll be happily married to the love of my life working on having twelve children while pursuing my career in music."

Don't worry, I wasn't going to give birth to all twelve. My vagina would have needed a little break. 

I planned on having six kids of my own and adopting the rest. All kids need a home and i wanted to give a few unfortunate orphan children a loving family.

Little me checking if my brother is sick

At 5 years old I loved playing house just like every other little girl, carrying my dolls around pretending they were real babies.

 I would set up all my teddy bears on the floor as an audience while I performed songs on my bed-stage and tell my mom how i couldn't wait to be old enough to start my life as a mommy/rockstar.

I had it all figured out by the age of 5.

I was going to make money doing what i love and be able to take care of my small family of twelve kids with no problema.

Growing up my dad always said,

 "Find what you love to do and learn how to make money doing it." 

My dad and before my prom.

 That's how I knew, thought, my dream was going to become a reality.

He's always been good at supporting us no matter what path we chose throughout life. As long as it makes us happy, it makes him happy.

He's kind of awesome in that way.

Being older and perhaps a little wiser, I've narrowed down my kid count to two. My dream of singing for a living isn't going to become a reality and the cash isn't flowing the way I thought it would be at the age of 5 so I had to make a few changes.

A boy and a girl. Hopefully. If only there was a way to control the sex of my unborn child.

I've decided on Aurora for a girls name, inspired by the northern lights. I'm still working on the boy's name. I always liked Christian, I'll probably change my mind when it comes down to it.

I also believed that i would have kids by the time I was 23. That dream has come and gone.

I hoped to be a young mom.  

Not that teen mom kind of shit. I never wanted to be 16 with kids. Most of my high school friends accomplished that one for me.

After I got settled in my own apartment and found someone willing to lend me his sperm, I would start popping out kids like its my job. I wanted to be able to see my great grand kids grow up to be at least ten, while still being able to function properly.

Taking pictures before our Chorus concert.

If i even live that long. 

Once my kid count went down, i still wanted to start my family young. Five years ago i decided if i didnt have a kid by 25 I was going to give up all together, and now that im almost 25 i'm changing the age limit to 27.

But no way am i gonna start having kids at 30.

I'm not implying its bad that people want to have kids in there mid thirties. I get it. You want to make sure your comfortable, make sure you saw and did everything you wanted to accomplish before starting a family, which is understandable. But that's not what I want in life.

That has never been my plan. 

It's never been what i wanted.

I was born to be a mom. A great mom. Besides becoming a singer that's the only other dream I've had.

Of course, I want to travel and see the world, but i figure I can do that when I'm old and retired.

If i don't have a kid or am pregnant in about two years from now, i guess im just gonna be the cool aunty to all my friends babies and save money to start traveling the world before I'm old and retired.

I change my mind a lot though, so who knows.

Its funny how some things never work out the way you plan. Instead of singing in some bar-playing garage band, im a waitress at a Mexican restaurant with no kids and no ambition to do anything else.

Too much disappointment.

I know I'm young, its not like 25 means I'm old and decrepit and can't enjoy life or make new plans. I just figured I would have started the life I already had planned. And now that nothing has gone the way i wanted, i don't know what life there is to begin anymore.

I know I'm still young. I don't need to hear everyone say "You have your whole life in front of you, its not the end of the world". I know all this. So I guess that's why I'm going to try a new approach.

Even though my life isn't heading in the direction I used to picture it, I decided I should just go with it.

I'm going to try not making a plan for my life and see where i end up. Listen to my feelings and finally try to pursue my interests instead of just talking about them. Coming up with ideas and talking about where I want my life to be in ten years is easy, but going through with it has always been my downfall..

Don't be afraid to fail. 

"Your not good enough, be realistic" always repeats in the back of my mind when i chose to follow my dream. As much as i try and fight it, try and tell myself different it gets louder.

"Your not that good. No point in trying just to fail."

Finally pushing me to give up once the nerves take over. I know I should block out these negative thoughts. So what if i fail? You only live once. Just go with it.

Its not that easy for me.

"If your not nervous, you don't want it bad enough."

I heard this somewhere once, can't remember from where and Google isn't helping me at the moment, but its true. The only time I'm ever nervous is when I want something so bad I can taste it. I choose the path that leads me closer to my dream, take a step in the right direction, then BAM! The voice starts. A broken record I've been trying to remove from the player my brain built that keeps me from pursuing anything of importance.

Now I need to replace that record with a new one. One containing motivational thoughts. Each time I begin to think about failing and work up my nerves, ill think to myself how its a sign. A sign saying once i get past the nerves I could end up making a dream come true. Think about my dad and what he told me, "Find what you love to do, and learn how to make money doing it". He is a wise man. Not a rich man, but who cares about that anyway? As long as you can be happy. Money really isn't happiness. However, it definitely helps.

On a better, not so depressing note. I attempted to trim my own bangs for the second time.

The first time didn't work out so well because apparently my version of a straight line, isn't straight at all, more like crooked and extremely short. I spent a little more time on my bangs during this attempt. I think I was in the bathroom for a half hour slowing chopping away. At least it turned out to be a success. Well, sort of. They are still a little long, but short enough to keep my hair from blocking eyeballs and one side isn't almost cut completely off, another plus. So in my mind i see this as a win.

With more practice i wont have to wait until I can convince my friend to do it for me.

Aaaaannnddd I showed my godson the motivational video i made for him before he was born. He is only 5 months, but I could tell he enjoyed it. :-)

New idea: Stay at home girlfriend.

Every day i find myself not wanting to work. I love waitressing and having a significant amount of money in my pocket from just one nights work, but i would honestly rather be home.

Desk jobs don't suit me, I need to be moving around and make myself feel productive. I get bored so those jobs never last over a year.

This is why i have a new dream. A dream of being a stay at home girlfriend.

Most people i talk to always say the idea of not working seems great, for a while, but in the long run would end up missing it.

Fuck that!

I would never miss it.

Picture coming home from a long days work. All you want to do is relax and not have to worry about anything. Leave all your work troubles behind. And you can!

Doesn't it sound like you would be living the dream too?

I cant go bragging about my organization skills or willingness to clean, but who wants to do more work when they get home? Or in my case, before i go into work.

The only activity I have motivation for before work is drinking. Tequila shots? Why not? It can only make me happier. Who doesn't love a friendly waitress?

If I was to be a stay at home girlfriend I would get out of bed early, drink some coffee and get to being all domesticated and shit.

Wash and fold the laundry, clean the dishes, and the house from top to bottom. You will get distracted by how sparkly, shiny, clean our apartment is. By the time my boyfriend gets home he won't have to worry about a thing.

He could sit and play nerd games while i cook him dinner and prepare a nice healthy lunch for his next hard day at work. Delivering him energy drinks and even grocery shop, by myself. 

I wont even get into what happens to me at the grocery store right now. 
That's a whole other blog post.

Wouldnt it be nice? Nice to come home and not have to worry about stressing yourself out with household chores? Its like having your own personal maid you get to have sex with? How would you lose out on that deal?

And we could make time for those cheesy couple dinner parties you see on television. Ive always wanted to do that but just never had the time. 

My boyfriend gets out of work, brings me to work and then by the time i get home all we both want to do is sleep. Our alternating schedules suck. This plan will help us spend quality couple time with each other and in the long run only better our relationship.

Maybe it would even give me some time to better myself as a photographer and help the cash flow getting paid for something I would do for free anyway.

Oooh the possibilities.

Now only to pitch it to the BF and hopes he sees it through my eyes.

He always says a woman's place is in the kitchen. Now he can have his damn sammich ready and waiting, to put all of its deliciousness in his mouth.

Expectations

So I'm sitting here watching true blood thinking about what to write and their really isn't much to say. Well there is a lot i could write about, but I'm not sure if i want to or how i want to put it.

I've been really interested in drawing and taking pictures lately, like I've said in previous posts i wish to buy a new camera, but good things come with patience and I'm going to need a lot of patience before i can afford to buy a camera good enough for my standards.

My friend Patt and I were talking about this the other day, how anything we do needs to be good enough to "wow" people. We don't want our presence to be ordinary. You only live once, why not make a difference, make a name for yourself. Whether it be in a blog, on YouTube, becoming president, acting on television or just making a difference in the lives of everyone you meet.

Which is why i hold high standards for everyone around me, and myself.

If i expect something of you and you dont excede my expectations, im going to be dissapointed, because im a strong believer in people and passions. No matter what your passion is, i believe you should do it as best as you can and as long as your satisfied with your best, and that should be enough.

Not that i take my own advice. Well..i guess i do, to point. I only want to show people my best, so anything i ever work on i always find the flaws and make it the reason i dont make it public knowledge. I scare myself with the littlest thing and make it the reason not to pursue anything i believe is out of reach. When in reality, its probably only a fingers-length within reach.

Maybe one day you will see me on stage performing in front of Millions of people, but until then ill show of my creativity through these pictures and drawings Ive taken, that i think are good enough for people to see.


Some of these are pictures during and after Hurrican Irene hit my town. It wasn't as bad here as other places, but i couldnt capture even close to the size of the actual waves

Water on the boulevard 

A sketch i did of my cat when he was a kitty

My sunflowers., i wish i took better care of them

waves during the hurricane that hit us

My friend walking down the boulevard before a cop yelled at us

Night waves during the hurricane at low tide

Same picture, two different settings.