Just go with it

Ten years ago, if you asked where i thought my life would be today, it would be no where near where i actually am.

15 year old Kayleigh would tell you, by now I would have accomplished my dream of being a singer. Not necessarily a famous singer. Even if I was in a garage band that played dive bars every other weekend, i would have been okay with it. Just as long as i was singing.

Ten years ago I would have to told you, "I'll be happily married to the love of my life working on having twelve children while pursuing my career in music."

Don't worry, I wasn't going to give birth to all twelve. My vagina would have needed a little break. 

I planned on having six kids of my own and adopting the rest. All kids need a home and i wanted to give a few unfortunate orphan children a loving family.

Little me checking if my brother is sick

At 5 years old I loved playing house just like every other little girl, carrying my dolls around pretending they were real babies.

 I would set up all my teddy bears on the floor as an audience while I performed songs on my bed-stage and tell my mom how i couldn't wait to be old enough to start my life as a mommy/rockstar.

I had it all figured out by the age of 5.

I was going to make money doing what i love and be able to take care of my small family of twelve kids with no problema.

Growing up my dad always said,

 "Find what you love to do and learn how to make money doing it." 

My dad and before my prom.

 That's how I knew, thought, my dream was going to become a reality.

He's always been good at supporting us no matter what path we chose throughout life. As long as it makes us happy, it makes him happy.

He's kind of awesome in that way.

Being older and perhaps a little wiser, I've narrowed down my kid count to two. My dream of singing for a living isn't going to become a reality and the cash isn't flowing the way I thought it would be at the age of 5 so I had to make a few changes.

A boy and a girl. Hopefully. If only there was a way to control the sex of my unborn child.

I've decided on Aurora for a girls name, inspired by the northern lights. I'm still working on the boy's name. I always liked Christian, I'll probably change my mind when it comes down to it.

I also believed that i would have kids by the time I was 23. That dream has come and gone.

I hoped to be a young mom.  

Not that teen mom kind of shit. I never wanted to be 16 with kids. Most of my high school friends accomplished that one for me.

After I got settled in my own apartment and found someone willing to lend me his sperm, I would start popping out kids like its my job. I wanted to be able to see my great grand kids grow up to be at least ten, while still being able to function properly.

Taking pictures before our Chorus concert.

If i even live that long. 

Once my kid count went down, i still wanted to start my family young. Five years ago i decided if i didnt have a kid by 25 I was going to give up all together, and now that im almost 25 i'm changing the age limit to 27.

But no way am i gonna start having kids at 30.

I'm not implying its bad that people want to have kids in there mid thirties. I get it. You want to make sure your comfortable, make sure you saw and did everything you wanted to accomplish before starting a family, which is understandable. But that's not what I want in life.

That has never been my plan. 

It's never been what i wanted.

I was born to be a mom. A great mom. Besides becoming a singer that's the only other dream I've had.

Of course, I want to travel and see the world, but i figure I can do that when I'm old and retired.

If i don't have a kid or am pregnant in about two years from now, i guess im just gonna be the cool aunty to all my friends babies and save money to start traveling the world before I'm old and retired.

I change my mind a lot though, so who knows.

Its funny how some things never work out the way you plan. Instead of singing in some bar-playing garage band, im a waitress at a Mexican restaurant with no kids and no ambition to do anything else.

Too much disappointment.

I know I'm young, its not like 25 means I'm old and decrepit and can't enjoy life or make new plans. I just figured I would have started the life I already had planned. And now that nothing has gone the way i wanted, i don't know what life there is to begin anymore.

I know I'm still young. I don't need to hear everyone say "You have your whole life in front of you, its not the end of the world". I know all this. So I guess that's why I'm going to try a new approach.

Even though my life isn't heading in the direction I used to picture it, I decided I should just go with it.

I'm going to try not making a plan for my life and see where i end up. Listen to my feelings and finally try to pursue my interests instead of just talking about them. Coming up with ideas and talking about where I want my life to be in ten years is easy, but going through with it has always been my downfall..

Don't be afraid to fail. 

"Your not good enough, be realistic" always repeats in the back of my mind when i chose to follow my dream. As much as i try and fight it, try and tell myself different it gets louder.

"Your not that good. No point in trying just to fail."

Finally pushing me to give up once the nerves take over. I know I should block out these negative thoughts. So what if i fail? You only live once. Just go with it.

Its not that easy for me.

"If your not nervous, you don't want it bad enough."

I heard this somewhere once, can't remember from where and Google isn't helping me at the moment, but its true. The only time I'm ever nervous is when I want something so bad I can taste it. I choose the path that leads me closer to my dream, take a step in the right direction, then BAM! The voice starts. A broken record I've been trying to remove from the player my brain built that keeps me from pursuing anything of importance.

Now I need to replace that record with a new one. One containing motivational thoughts. Each time I begin to think about failing and work up my nerves, ill think to myself how its a sign. A sign saying once i get past the nerves I could end up making a dream come true. Think about my dad and what he told me, "Find what you love to do, and learn how to make money doing it". He is a wise man. Not a rich man, but who cares about that anyway? As long as you can be happy. Money really isn't happiness. However, it definitely helps.

On a better, not so depressing note. I attempted to trim my own bangs for the second time.

The first time didn't work out so well because apparently my version of a straight line, isn't straight at all, more like crooked and extremely short. I spent a little more time on my bangs during this attempt. I think I was in the bathroom for a half hour slowing chopping away. At least it turned out to be a success. Well, sort of. They are still a little long, but short enough to keep my hair from blocking eyeballs and one side isn't almost cut completely off, another plus. So in my mind i see this as a win.

With more practice i wont have to wait until I can convince my friend to do it for me.

Aaaaannnddd I showed my godson the motivational video i made for him before he was born. He is only 5 months, but I could tell he enjoyed it. :-)

Diary of procrastinator...

Im seriously thinking about changing the name of my blog to "Diary of a Procrastinator." because unless im giving myself plastic surgery there is no reason it should take me two hours every day to get ready.

But no. because no matter what i do i always get distracted way to easily. So let me bore you with my morning routine of pampering and distractions

I wake up, immediately brush my teeth (who wants gross breath and cavities..not this girl). Then after making myself breakfast and checking all my social media sites I start the beautification process.

I get in the shower, do the normal. Always start with my hair so i can leave in the conditioner while i wash my body, and then just sit under the running water for about 20 minutes staring at the bathroom tiles because the hot water feels so good against my skin. I need to enjoy it, and i do every time, for a little longer than i should. By the time I'm out of the shower my fingers look like little tiny raisins.

I dry my body, put my contacts in (If i didnt sleep with them in the night before). And then go and sit on the computer in my towel. Check facebook, twitter, photo booth. See how many views and comments i got from the night before. Facebook stalk friends, change my profile picture a few times and then realize that ive been distracted and I'm still in my towel so i go and find something to wear.

This in itself is an adventure because there are always piles of clean clothes on my bedroom floor so that requires at least 10 minutes if im lucky of trying to find something to wear.

Once i find an outfit that seems decent I go back on my laptop and make sure no one has commented on my current Facebook status. Stalk someone else online, watch a few YouTube videos, get up grab a snack get a drink, maybe put the coffee machine on and then finally head back to the bathroom.

Apply some face cream, foundation, powder and fix up my eyebrows a little bit.

Take the towel off my head and begin to try and tackle this crazy tangled mess they call my hair.

After painfully smoothing the knots out, its now time to blow dry. Sometimes i have to bring a fan in there with me because this can be one hot project (depending on how long ive sat in my towel for). 

20 minutes later...its not a pretty result.

And i have to say thank god for straighteners because i wouldn't be able to go out in public looking like this picture to the right. :-/

Then i realize what I'm wearing just isn't cutting it. Especially if i ask my boyfriend and he says it looks fine. I cant tell you how much i hate the word fine. 

No girl wants to look "Okay" when they go out whether they are in a committed relationship with someone or not. They still want men to think they are hot, and it works out for your significant other as well, you can make him feel good by looking good. People will be jealous of him for being with that sexy woman.

After searching the rubble in my room for another (better) outfit, i then start to do the dishes, cuz there bothering me. Once those are done I have to check twitter to see if there are any interesting trending topics i can participate in and pour my cup of coffee thats now finished brewing.

Finally 20 minutes later I'm back in the bathroom staring in the mirror wishing i could wiggle my nose, snap my fingers and POOF! Id be ready and looking the best ive ever looked. But unfortunately my life isn't an "I Dream of Genie" episode. (Dammit!).

Once my straightener gets hot enough i start parting my hair and begin my straightening adventure. 

Its not an extremely fun adventure with my hair because i have so damn much of it.

Once I'm done with that, and im satisfied with how straight it is, i then go back and check on Facebook...perhaps if i think i look good enough update my photo booth, find something to share with my friends on tumblr (I know I'm obsessed with everything social media...except Myspace...i fell off that train a long time ago.)

Another 30 minutes later i put on the last finishing touches and a whopping 2 hours later...sometimes more depending on how long i get distracted for I'm done.