Just go with it

Ten years ago, if you asked where i thought my life would be today, it would be no where near where i actually am.

15 year old Kayleigh would tell you, by now I would have accomplished my dream of being a singer. Not necessarily a famous singer. Even if I was in a garage band that played dive bars every other weekend, i would have been okay with it. Just as long as i was singing.

Ten years ago I would have to told you, "I'll be happily married to the love of my life working on having twelve children while pursuing my career in music."

Don't worry, I wasn't going to give birth to all twelve. My vagina would have needed a little break. 

I planned on having six kids of my own and adopting the rest. All kids need a home and i wanted to give a few unfortunate orphan children a loving family.

Little me checking if my brother is sick

At 5 years old I loved playing house just like every other little girl, carrying my dolls around pretending they were real babies.

 I would set up all my teddy bears on the floor as an audience while I performed songs on my bed-stage and tell my mom how i couldn't wait to be old enough to start my life as a mommy/rockstar.

I had it all figured out by the age of 5.

I was going to make money doing what i love and be able to take care of my small family of twelve kids with no problema.

Growing up my dad always said,

 "Find what you love to do and learn how to make money doing it." 

My dad and before my prom.

 That's how I knew, thought, my dream was going to become a reality.

He's always been good at supporting us no matter what path we chose throughout life. As long as it makes us happy, it makes him happy.

He's kind of awesome in that way.

Being older and perhaps a little wiser, I've narrowed down my kid count to two. My dream of singing for a living isn't going to become a reality and the cash isn't flowing the way I thought it would be at the age of 5 so I had to make a few changes.

A boy and a girl. Hopefully. If only there was a way to control the sex of my unborn child.

I've decided on Aurora for a girls name, inspired by the northern lights. I'm still working on the boy's name. I always liked Christian, I'll probably change my mind when it comes down to it.

I also believed that i would have kids by the time I was 23. That dream has come and gone.

I hoped to be a young mom.  

Not that teen mom kind of shit. I never wanted to be 16 with kids. Most of my high school friends accomplished that one for me.

After I got settled in my own apartment and found someone willing to lend me his sperm, I would start popping out kids like its my job. I wanted to be able to see my great grand kids grow up to be at least ten, while still being able to function properly.

Taking pictures before our Chorus concert.

If i even live that long. 

Once my kid count went down, i still wanted to start my family young. Five years ago i decided if i didnt have a kid by 25 I was going to give up all together, and now that im almost 25 i'm changing the age limit to 27.

But no way am i gonna start having kids at 30.

I'm not implying its bad that people want to have kids in there mid thirties. I get it. You want to make sure your comfortable, make sure you saw and did everything you wanted to accomplish before starting a family, which is understandable. But that's not what I want in life.

That has never been my plan. 

It's never been what i wanted.

I was born to be a mom. A great mom. Besides becoming a singer that's the only other dream I've had.

Of course, I want to travel and see the world, but i figure I can do that when I'm old and retired.

If i don't have a kid or am pregnant in about two years from now, i guess im just gonna be the cool aunty to all my friends babies and save money to start traveling the world before I'm old and retired.

I change my mind a lot though, so who knows.

Its funny how some things never work out the way you plan. Instead of singing in some bar-playing garage band, im a waitress at a Mexican restaurant with no kids and no ambition to do anything else.

Too much disappointment.

I know I'm young, its not like 25 means I'm old and decrepit and can't enjoy life or make new plans. I just figured I would have started the life I already had planned. And now that nothing has gone the way i wanted, i don't know what life there is to begin anymore.

I know I'm still young. I don't need to hear everyone say "You have your whole life in front of you, its not the end of the world". I know all this. So I guess that's why I'm going to try a new approach.

Even though my life isn't heading in the direction I used to picture it, I decided I should just go with it.

I'm going to try not making a plan for my life and see where i end up. Listen to my feelings and finally try to pursue my interests instead of just talking about them. Coming up with ideas and talking about where I want my life to be in ten years is easy, but going through with it has always been my downfall..

Don't be afraid to fail. 

"Your not good enough, be realistic" always repeats in the back of my mind when i chose to follow my dream. As much as i try and fight it, try and tell myself different it gets louder.

"Your not that good. No point in trying just to fail."

Finally pushing me to give up once the nerves take over. I know I should block out these negative thoughts. So what if i fail? You only live once. Just go with it.

Its not that easy for me.

"If your not nervous, you don't want it bad enough."

I heard this somewhere once, can't remember from where and Google isn't helping me at the moment, but its true. The only time I'm ever nervous is when I want something so bad I can taste it. I choose the path that leads me closer to my dream, take a step in the right direction, then BAM! The voice starts. A broken record I've been trying to remove from the player my brain built that keeps me from pursuing anything of importance.

Now I need to replace that record with a new one. One containing motivational thoughts. Each time I begin to think about failing and work up my nerves, ill think to myself how its a sign. A sign saying once i get past the nerves I could end up making a dream come true. Think about my dad and what he told me, "Find what you love to do, and learn how to make money doing it". He is a wise man. Not a rich man, but who cares about that anyway? As long as you can be happy. Money really isn't happiness. However, it definitely helps.

On a better, not so depressing note. I attempted to trim my own bangs for the second time.

The first time didn't work out so well because apparently my version of a straight line, isn't straight at all, more like crooked and extremely short. I spent a little more time on my bangs during this attempt. I think I was in the bathroom for a half hour slowing chopping away. At least it turned out to be a success. Well, sort of. They are still a little long, but short enough to keep my hair from blocking eyeballs and one side isn't almost cut completely off, another plus. So in my mind i see this as a win.

With more practice i wont have to wait until I can convince my friend to do it for me.

Aaaaannnddd I showed my godson the motivational video i made for him before he was born. He is only 5 months, but I could tell he enjoyed it. :-)

City life

As much as I love the town i live in, I've always wanted to live in the city and it has just never happened. There is so much diversity and life going on, never a dull moment, plus awesome graffiti everywhere and the nightlife doesn't hurt my love for tall buildings and crowds either.

My brother just moved in with his girlfriend outside of Boston, its a cute little apartment right near great restaurants, bars, shops everything within walking distance. Not that you really need to have a car in Boston since the traffic is horrific, its impossible to find cheap parking and there are subways everywhere, so whats the point? If you choose to walk there is always something to look at and people watching is pretty awesome too. 

At least i can bug my brother all the time and use him for a place to stay if i ever decide to spend a night out in the city.

Well i made this short, since i don't have a lot of time. I just wanted to express my love for the city and people.

I love people.

Well most of the time, when i don't have to wait on them.

That's when i love people. 

I also took my camera with me, unfortunately it was raining.

Stopping every few minutes to make my boyfriend hold the umbrella, get my camera out of the bag and try to snap a picture without getting it wet was a process that after a few tries got pretty tiring. I actually started sweating from walking around holding the camera, bag and umbrella all at once while searching for things to take pictures of. 

So my next post should include some photos from Boston, and since its not raining out today maybe some other pictures too. Hope you guys have a great weekend! <3

There is a dragon in my fire

So this has been my morning so far...

I wake up and bump into the corner of my burrow with my crotch, so now it feels like Mrs. Pacman is trying to chew her way through my ovaries. Its a great feeling.

Then i walk towards the bathroom and my lovely cats spilled water all over the tiled floor, so i slip and fall on my ass. Now my ass hurts. And this pain is making me want to drink that one beer that's in my fridge and possibly smoke a joint. But I cant because I have to work in a few hours and I'm almost positive my boss wouldn't appreciate that.

I would love to do dishes but we have no dish soap, hopefully those stupid fruit flies don't come back. Ew. Guess who is hitting the dollar store tomorrow? This girl! The dollar store they recently built in town is fucking amazing because everything is actually a dollar. I do my shopping there before going to the grocery store because there's a lot shit i can get at that place for much cheaper than Market Basket.
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Well last night i went to my dads, my brother was supposed to be there to borrow my dads car for the weekend but he ended being late so i didn't get to see him. He likes to blow me off because he doesn't really love me.

It ended up being a good little trip though, i got to hang out with my dad and we practiced singing together for the first time in ages. He used to live in this cabin the next town over, my friends and I would go there all the time to watch Red Sox games, sit around a fire play music and chill. I miss those days, but singing with my dad last night brought back good memories.

Does that look like the face of a killer?

We recorded it, and it wasn't bad for the first time singing together in almost a year, but we decided to eventually try and perfect it, make it YouTube worthy.

I love talking to my Dad about artsy things, he is the most supportive person in my family when it comes to my music and all that jazz. Whenever i show him something i drew, took a picture of or when i sing with him he always praises how talented i am, it makes me want to go on practicing and try to make myself better so he can be even more proud.

I get most of my artistic ability from him, everyone in my family is "right" brained, but my dads interests are more similar to mine. He takes photographs, paints, draws, sings in a band, pretty much everything i love doing and he is great at all of it.

It was really cute because as we were singing, my dads dog Sidney, decided to come sit on the couch with us and stick her face in my face like she wanted to join. I love her, I swear she is some sort of pitbull mix but my dad refuses. I dont understand why, its not like she is going to eat your face...she might eat your dogs face, if its a small dog, but other than that she may lick you to death. You just have to let her know who is boss and my dad is good at that until he lets her go for a minute and another dog attacks her.

We went to the pier the other day, Sidney was minding her own business when some stupid little rat dog came over and bit her. I only caught the end of the fight but before i got to her it sounded like she was eating the little dog for dinner,  fuck that, the little shit should have picked on someone his own size, fuckin rat dogs. I would have done the same thing if i was Sid. The little dog was fine, but it sucked for Sidney because some people are already afraid of her.


Then after my dads, Tom and I came home drank a couple beers and had a dragon fire. That's right, a dragon fire. Don't be jealous. Actually, be jealous dragon fires only come out to there most faithful allies.

This picture isn't photoshoped or anything, i took it with my IPhone to put on facebook so i could update my status like "omg were having a fire, and your not! hahaha." but then i looked and it was a dragon and i was like "oh shit, check out this dragon fire! Its awesome!"

If you can't see the dragon in the fire, then aparently you aren't ready for the dragon, and I'm sorry. Not everyone can handle what comes with him, hes a very complicated being.

Well anyway, now i should probably do my makeup and get ready for work before i get distracted by something else funner than getting ready for work, like twitter or facebook...or even just being outside since I've been a hermit lately. Its been kind of cold and upsetting, its good for night time fires though because the bugs don't come out to eat my boyfriend as much as they do in the summer time. Okay well until next time...Good Bye.

Pebbles in my shadow....

So i figured as I'm sitting here constantly clicking "try again" on my Netflix Instant Queue to connect to the stupid internet, i may as well write about something. I was thinking, as i was writing yesterdays post, that i was going to write about change. But maybe we will leave that for another night. Sometime when im not exhausted from yet another day of non stop adventures.

Well okay, maybe not real adventures like those you read about in fairy tales, but i didn't have a boring day, that's for sure.

I woke up around 11 with a text from my sister saying she was going to stop by, and i haven't seen her in months so of course i was pumped when i found out i was going to see her, even if it was just for a minute.

And my aunt is visiting with her kids so i had to squeeze in time for them while they are here as well. I had my sister drop me off at stones pier, which has a beautiful view of the river and some chill laid back people that hang out there, for the most part.

Stones Pier

I've also been really into taking pictures with my IPhone. I love pictures, and my phone takes awesome ones. I really want to get a nice camera that i can practice capturing better shots. 

Anywho...

My little cousin being cute! <3

Then after the pier I met up with my friends Katelyn and Stef and ate some awesome frozen yogurt. Which is amazing that i like it enough to mention it to anyone, normally i hate ice cream, i guess i just had a sweet tooth tonight.

And now i have the sweats, because I'm pretty sure i ate way to much food, on top of my headache that i have from making the mistake of smoking shitty weed.

Ugh..my stupid netflix just shut off again, this is getting tiring.

Well now I'm sitting on my couch in my boyfriends shirt and pants, he told me earlier that he wouldn't be surprised if he came home one day and i was wearing his underwear as well. I cant help that his clothes are a lot more comfortable than mine are. Stupid girls pajamas are always so little, i like some room to breathe in my clothes when I'm trying to relax.

I don't find it very comfortable when your jeans are riding up your lady parts and you get camel toe. No thanks, i try to steer clear from those circumstances. Some girls like to let there body parts suffocate, i wanna let my body get as much air as possible

Wine<3

With my classy keg cup full of Sutter Home Sweet Red watching a movie that stops every 12 minutes, longest one and a half movie ever.


With the girl pissing me off because every time she has something important to say she waits until the main character walks away. 


How about you just say it when he is right in front of you bitch! Girls. 


Well now that I'm done rambling about my oh so adventurous day, i think i might leave you with a few favorite pictures i have taken so far with my phone and hope that i don't procrastinate as much as usual so i can actually go and buy that camera i have been looking at every time i step my feet into best buy.

Boston Harbor Duck Tour

First arriving at North Carolina

Beach in North Carolina

Sandals

Streets of Boston

Tunnels under the bridge coming out from the Boston Duck Tour

The reflection of a Cathedral in Boston. Thought it was cool looking.

Pebbles in my shadow.

there are worse things...

So i just spent the last hour of my day creating a new Facebook and deleting family off my real Facebook just to request them back on my fake one.

why? you ask...

because apparently there is no such thing as freedom of speech or in my case video anymore.

Every time i post something on Facebook someone has something to say about it. Mainly my family...so guess what if you don't like the way i am...your deleted!

I sound so threatening...but i couldn't just delete my family completely, so instead i decided to make a Facebook page just for my family. So at least they can think I'm the perfect proper woman my mother wants me to be. Surprise! I'm not.

But who is perfect really? I can tell you other things i am not. I'm not a whore, prostitute or a drug addict. I do however speak highly of my friends and family, am always there when they need me, i hold a steady job, a great boyfriend and a cute apartment. But since i like to go out and have fun it appears I'm not lady like.

Which is fine with me, i burp in public, fart and blame it on the person next to me if it smells, i don't wear high heals (more like cant) and if i wear a skirt i don't know how to sit properly so you can usually see my underwear. I show my ass to everyone and i sometimes swear like a drive trucker. But just because im not your typical proper girly girl doesn't make me a bad person.

The main reason I'm ranting is because my parents don't approve of my latest YouTube video. Probably because I'm drunk on the bathroom floor rambling nonsense. But who hasn't had a night like that? If you are over the age of 21...even 18 and say you haven't your a god damn liar.
I just got my night on video, thought it was funny and decided to share with the world on the internet.

Not like its gonna get to Rebecca Blacks "Friday" Status anyways so i don't see the big deal.

Has no one ever seen the other videos people post online?? Mine would be rated G compared to "Two girls one cup", or "shake that bear"...go ahead click on it if you haven't seen it already. I dare you!

Oh big fucking whoop, my ass is hanging out...everyone has one...so I'm pretty sure everyone has seen one before. And I also know if it was that bad, YouTube would have taken it down by now.

I wonder what these girls parents are saying...the ones who eat shit and rub it all over there face or eat puke. Now thats disturbing.