Just go with it

Ten years ago, if you asked where i thought my life would be today, it would be no where near where i actually am.

15 year old Kayleigh would tell you, by now I would have accomplished my dream of being a singer. Not necessarily a famous singer. Even if I was in a garage band that played dive bars every other weekend, i would have been okay with it. Just as long as i was singing.

Ten years ago I would have to told you, "I'll be happily married to the love of my life working on having twelve children while pursuing my career in music."

Don't worry, I wasn't going to give birth to all twelve. My vagina would have needed a little break. 

I planned on having six kids of my own and adopting the rest. All kids need a home and i wanted to give a few unfortunate orphan children a loving family.

Little me checking if my brother is sick

At 5 years old I loved playing house just like every other little girl, carrying my dolls around pretending they were real babies.

 I would set up all my teddy bears on the floor as an audience while I performed songs on my bed-stage and tell my mom how i couldn't wait to be old enough to start my life as a mommy/rockstar.

I had it all figured out by the age of 5.

I was going to make money doing what i love and be able to take care of my small family of twelve kids with no problema.

Growing up my dad always said,

 "Find what you love to do and learn how to make money doing it." 

My dad and before my prom.

 That's how I knew, thought, my dream was going to become a reality.

He's always been good at supporting us no matter what path we chose throughout life. As long as it makes us happy, it makes him happy.

He's kind of awesome in that way.

Being older and perhaps a little wiser, I've narrowed down my kid count to two. My dream of singing for a living isn't going to become a reality and the cash isn't flowing the way I thought it would be at the age of 5 so I had to make a few changes.

A boy and a girl. Hopefully. If only there was a way to control the sex of my unborn child.

I've decided on Aurora for a girls name, inspired by the northern lights. I'm still working on the boy's name. I always liked Christian, I'll probably change my mind when it comes down to it.

I also believed that i would have kids by the time I was 23. That dream has come and gone.

I hoped to be a young mom.  

Not that teen mom kind of shit. I never wanted to be 16 with kids. Most of my high school friends accomplished that one for me.

After I got settled in my own apartment and found someone willing to lend me his sperm, I would start popping out kids like its my job. I wanted to be able to see my great grand kids grow up to be at least ten, while still being able to function properly.

Taking pictures before our Chorus concert.

If i even live that long. 

Once my kid count went down, i still wanted to start my family young. Five years ago i decided if i didnt have a kid by 25 I was going to give up all together, and now that im almost 25 i'm changing the age limit to 27.

But no way am i gonna start having kids at 30.

I'm not implying its bad that people want to have kids in there mid thirties. I get it. You want to make sure your comfortable, make sure you saw and did everything you wanted to accomplish before starting a family, which is understandable. But that's not what I want in life.

That has never been my plan. 

It's never been what i wanted.

I was born to be a mom. A great mom. Besides becoming a singer that's the only other dream I've had.

Of course, I want to travel and see the world, but i figure I can do that when I'm old and retired.

If i don't have a kid or am pregnant in about two years from now, i guess im just gonna be the cool aunty to all my friends babies and save money to start traveling the world before I'm old and retired.

I change my mind a lot though, so who knows.

Its funny how some things never work out the way you plan. Instead of singing in some bar-playing garage band, im a waitress at a Mexican restaurant with no kids and no ambition to do anything else.

Too much disappointment.

I know I'm young, its not like 25 means I'm old and decrepit and can't enjoy life or make new plans. I just figured I would have started the life I already had planned. And now that nothing has gone the way i wanted, i don't know what life there is to begin anymore.

I know I'm still young. I don't need to hear everyone say "You have your whole life in front of you, its not the end of the world". I know all this. So I guess that's why I'm going to try a new approach.

Even though my life isn't heading in the direction I used to picture it, I decided I should just go with it.

I'm going to try not making a plan for my life and see where i end up. Listen to my feelings and finally try to pursue my interests instead of just talking about them. Coming up with ideas and talking about where I want my life to be in ten years is easy, but going through with it has always been my downfall..

Don't be afraid to fail. 

"Your not good enough, be realistic" always repeats in the back of my mind when i chose to follow my dream. As much as i try and fight it, try and tell myself different it gets louder.

"Your not that good. No point in trying just to fail."

Finally pushing me to give up once the nerves take over. I know I should block out these negative thoughts. So what if i fail? You only live once. Just go with it.

Its not that easy for me.

"If your not nervous, you don't want it bad enough."

I heard this somewhere once, can't remember from where and Google isn't helping me at the moment, but its true. The only time I'm ever nervous is when I want something so bad I can taste it. I choose the path that leads me closer to my dream, take a step in the right direction, then BAM! The voice starts. A broken record I've been trying to remove from the player my brain built that keeps me from pursuing anything of importance.

Now I need to replace that record with a new one. One containing motivational thoughts. Each time I begin to think about failing and work up my nerves, ill think to myself how its a sign. A sign saying once i get past the nerves I could end up making a dream come true. Think about my dad and what he told me, "Find what you love to do, and learn how to make money doing it". He is a wise man. Not a rich man, but who cares about that anyway? As long as you can be happy. Money really isn't happiness. However, it definitely helps.

On a better, not so depressing note. I attempted to trim my own bangs for the second time.

The first time didn't work out so well because apparently my version of a straight line, isn't straight at all, more like crooked and extremely short. I spent a little more time on my bangs during this attempt. I think I was in the bathroom for a half hour slowing chopping away. At least it turned out to be a success. Well, sort of. They are still a little long, but short enough to keep my hair from blocking eyeballs and one side isn't almost cut completely off, another plus. So in my mind i see this as a win.

With more practice i wont have to wait until I can convince my friend to do it for me.

Aaaaannnddd I showed my godson the motivational video i made for him before he was born. He is only 5 months, but I could tell he enjoyed it. :-)

Angel From Montgomery

I have to say, i love nothing more in the world than going to my dads just to hang out and sing together. We used to do this all the time until recently, we have both been so busy and there hasn't been enough time in the day to get together just to have a mini jam session. 

Our jam sessions would be a lot better if I knew how to play an instrument correctly, but my piano skills are minimal and it takes me at least a week to learn a song. Plus, its no fun that there aren't any YouTube videos for songs we sing together. I've been begging a friend who teaches piano to come over and help me with songs forever now. I guess I'll just have to be up her ass before she'll actually come over and teach me something.

I'm just so impatient! 

When i find a song i like, i want to learn it, and i want to learn it now!!! (stomps feet and whines like a child) I don't want to wait for someone to finally put up a YouTube tutorial, i dont want to sit around watching videos on how to play chords and learn to read music and what not. Thats just way to much damn work! 

Even though, i know in order to get really good at the piano and play pieces by ear, i need to learn all the basics. But like i said, im lazy as fuck and impatient when it comes to things i love doing, or know im going to love doing once i learn them.

Any who, i decided to share with you guys a video my dad and I made today, its not anything special, i mainly wanted to see the video quality on my new camera but it actually came out pretty good. In my opinion at least. 

My allergies are terrible, and to my surprise when i listened to video it actually gave a cool little rasp to my voice and didnt sound as bad as i thought. I should try and sing more often when my throat is dry, or maybe not.

Without any further rambling from yours truly, here is Angel From Montgomery originally sung by Bonnie Rait...or John Prine...or both. Not really sure...i just know those are the more famous singers who played the song. Its a little different from the original, because my dad likes to make the music his own, but i actually love his little spin on it. Oh shit, i said i wouldnt ramble...and there i go. 

Okay. here it is. :-) I hope you enjoy it! Tell me what you guys think! 

There is a dragon in my fire

So this has been my morning so far...

I wake up and bump into the corner of my burrow with my crotch, so now it feels like Mrs. Pacman is trying to chew her way through my ovaries. Its a great feeling.

Then i walk towards the bathroom and my lovely cats spilled water all over the tiled floor, so i slip and fall on my ass. Now my ass hurts. And this pain is making me want to drink that one beer that's in my fridge and possibly smoke a joint. But I cant because I have to work in a few hours and I'm almost positive my boss wouldn't appreciate that.

I would love to do dishes but we have no dish soap, hopefully those stupid fruit flies don't come back. Ew. Guess who is hitting the dollar store tomorrow? This girl! The dollar store they recently built in town is fucking amazing because everything is actually a dollar. I do my shopping there before going to the grocery store because there's a lot shit i can get at that place for much cheaper than Market Basket.
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Well last night i went to my dads, my brother was supposed to be there to borrow my dads car for the weekend but he ended being late so i didn't get to see him. He likes to blow me off because he doesn't really love me.

It ended up being a good little trip though, i got to hang out with my dad and we practiced singing together for the first time in ages. He used to live in this cabin the next town over, my friends and I would go there all the time to watch Red Sox games, sit around a fire play music and chill. I miss those days, but singing with my dad last night brought back good memories.

Does that look like the face of a killer?

We recorded it, and it wasn't bad for the first time singing together in almost a year, but we decided to eventually try and perfect it, make it YouTube worthy.

I love talking to my Dad about artsy things, he is the most supportive person in my family when it comes to my music and all that jazz. Whenever i show him something i drew, took a picture of or when i sing with him he always praises how talented i am, it makes me want to go on practicing and try to make myself better so he can be even more proud.

I get most of my artistic ability from him, everyone in my family is "right" brained, but my dads interests are more similar to mine. He takes photographs, paints, draws, sings in a band, pretty much everything i love doing and he is great at all of it.

It was really cute because as we were singing, my dads dog Sidney, decided to come sit on the couch with us and stick her face in my face like she wanted to join. I love her, I swear she is some sort of pitbull mix but my dad refuses. I dont understand why, its not like she is going to eat your face...she might eat your dogs face, if its a small dog, but other than that she may lick you to death. You just have to let her know who is boss and my dad is good at that until he lets her go for a minute and another dog attacks her.

We went to the pier the other day, Sidney was minding her own business when some stupid little rat dog came over and bit her. I only caught the end of the fight but before i got to her it sounded like she was eating the little dog for dinner,  fuck that, the little shit should have picked on someone his own size, fuckin rat dogs. I would have done the same thing if i was Sid. The little dog was fine, but it sucked for Sidney because some people are already afraid of her.


Then after my dads, Tom and I came home drank a couple beers and had a dragon fire. That's right, a dragon fire. Don't be jealous. Actually, be jealous dragon fires only come out to there most faithful allies.

This picture isn't photoshoped or anything, i took it with my IPhone to put on facebook so i could update my status like "omg were having a fire, and your not! hahaha." but then i looked and it was a dragon and i was like "oh shit, check out this dragon fire! Its awesome!"

If you can't see the dragon in the fire, then aparently you aren't ready for the dragon, and I'm sorry. Not everyone can handle what comes with him, hes a very complicated being.

Well anyway, now i should probably do my makeup and get ready for work before i get distracted by something else funner than getting ready for work, like twitter or facebook...or even just being outside since I've been a hermit lately. Its been kind of cold and upsetting, its good for night time fires though because the bugs don't come out to eat my boyfriend as much as they do in the summer time. Okay well until next time...Good Bye.

Stupid video editor

So i have this video editor that came with my computer and it works alright, but whenever i try and preview the video it starts skipping so its hard to edit it the way i want. I have to go to best buy or check out amazon.com or something to see if i can purchase a better one, since i cant afford a Mac right now i have to deal with what i have or can get for cheap. But whatever.

Ive been working on some more songs to put on YouTube that ill hopefully be confident enough about to make public instead of private or unlisted like that last video i put up. Dont you guys feel special? That last video was for blogger eyes only. :-p

Other than that, my boyfriend and I are going on a lovely dinner date tonight. We haven't had a date in a while, so I'm looking forward to it. Plus I'm starving, as soon as he asked me last night, I got hungry for delicious food!

And i went to the Apple store the other day and got my IPhone replaced, I guess it had water damage. Even though I've never dropped it in water, but the guy said that IPhones get water damage wicked easily. He was telling me how one of his  IPhones got damaged because of the condensation from a coffee cup, or some people get it just from bringing into the bathroom with them while they shower, which i do all the time since i like to listen to music while i wash. But he was nice enough to replace it for me even though he said they usually don't, which is awesome because i know i wouldn't have been able to afford a brand new one.

I'm still working on my about me video but it might take longer than expected since my editor thingy is stupid, i have to have patience with things that don't work correctly and i definitely don't have that. Its funny because i can be extremely patient with all different things, but when it comes to some stuff i need it right now or else i get mad, i feel like someone needs to rub my ears and go "wooosah" it seemed like it help on Bad Boys.


So now i will leave you with another YouTube video of me singing. which is public...for now, until i listen to it enough to hate it and make i unlisted again.

I want your terrible romance

Here is my boyfriend and our friend Rob doing what they do best, with Tom's (My boyfriend) New bday present. None other than the wonderful and beautiful Lady Gag Gag! 

Enjoy.