Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Fried spiders taste like peanuts

The only thing i like about winter is that all the bugs seem to go into hibernation. No creepy crawlers on the ceiling, walls or floor, none coming from behind or under a couch. My life inside is great! Until spring comes along.

I love more things about spring and summer than i hate, but the one thing i hate about this time of year is a creature that makes my skin curl, my eyes water and chills run up and down my spine. A creature like none other, terrifying and cunning. This many legged being will hide in any corner plan its attack and then WAM! DEAD!...well maybe not really, but any time i feel a tickle or see a spot out of the corner of my eye i automatically fear its an 8 legged black beast.

None other than...the spider. DUN DUN DUN!

Spiders fucking suck. I know they eat all the other bugs and blah blah blah, but i don't care about all the other bugs. All i car about is the spiders. Nothing should have that many legs, the way they crawl...ick, it sickens me just thinking about it. Every time i see one it runs right towards me. They smell my fear! I cant even kill them by myself, what if as soon as i squish the little fucker hes gonna use some magical devil spider-power grow into a giant monster spider killer, crawl out from behind my shoe, go up my leg and EAT MY FACE! 

I like my face just how it is thank you.





You didn't know that spiders growled? Well they do. Its terrifying!

All i want to do is live my life and they are interfering with everything. I try to take a shower, there is one sitting on the shower curtain planning its attack, cook dinner and there is one that comes crawling from behind the toaster oven. CANT YOU ALL JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!

I feel like its even worse because my boyfriend and i live in a basement apartment. You know all the creepy crawling critters love to hang out in basements. But they need to find someone else's basement to take over, because if they even think about walking one of there bazillion legs near me, they have a fucking death wish!

Oh and look...it happened again. A page in my book moved, i have a black pen bookmarking the page i last read and of course...i freaked out because i thought it was a spider.

Ugh! stupid stupid stupid! I cant keep going like this, watching my every move, peaking behind every corner, looking at every ceiling so I'm not surprised by a dangling arachnid. I went to go leave my apartment this morning and it took me probably 20 minutes to get the courage to step over the 8 legged creature blocking the doorway. I think he was trying to get me to stay so he could grab his buddies and crawl in my mouth while i take a nap....ew.

My boyfriend read me an interesting fact the other day that fried spiders taste like peanuts. I love peanuts...but i don't want a spider going anywhere near my mouth. That i know of at least. 

It creeps me out knowing that we swallow 7 spiders a year or some shit like that already. Maybe thats why i have nightmares, perhaps they don't crawl in my mouth, maybe they crawl up my nose and into my brain and fuck with my head while I'm sleeping instead. Those conniving little beasts. They really are smarter than they look...and all though most of them are pretty small, at least around here, they are terrifying!

I wouldn't want to live in a place where you have to watch out for tarantulas. And what about camel spiders...THOSE SUCKERS CAN GROW UP TO EIGHT FUCKING INCHES!!! Are you for real?? I would pass out..or die of a heart attack. Guess who isn't going to visit the middle east...ever. Soldiers out there right now, good luck sleeping with those monsters crawling around in the desert. I would have rather that stayed a legend.


2 comments:

  1. For some reason, I'm not scared of spiders. But my brother, on the other hand, yeah, he is.

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  2. someone once told me, in order to get over my fear of spiders, to buy one. I responded with a "Your fucking nuts"

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