Wednesday, October 19, 2011

A tale of a Cereal Killer.

For my Halloween party i came up with the basis of a story behind the decorations surrounding my fireplace and my clever minded friend gave insight for a more interesting story than i could have ever discovered on my own.

Al Koholic was a lonely man who love his cereal, but liked it better dead. Every morning Al would crack open an ice cold PBR and pour himself a scrumptious bowl of Kelloggs products, yet it simply could not satisfy him. The snap crackle and pop just had to stop! He then discovered the only cure for his impotence was to gaze into the microwave as he nuked the shit out of his breakfast.

He needed to kill the cereal!

One morning after enjoying a particularly satisfying bowl of Fruity Pebbles, and of course a frosty beer, Al was coming to a finish and exploded. His seed shot out of his tiny privates with such force it sent him hurtling backward into the fireplace, as if he were a midget wielding a fire-hose. The flames shot up around him and in his last thoughts it occurred to him, he would still be alive if only he drank enough to disable his penis.

Now he waits, thirsting, trapped in the mantle for all eternity plotting to steal your beers.

The only way to stop Al Koholic from murdering your cereals and stealing your beers is to DRINK IT UP!

Yeah I know we're fucked.

We're also talking about the same girl I was paired up with for a High School project, we ended up making a video of us trying to stick a bottle of Ant Jemima's syrup up each others bum holes. We ended up becoming friends for life, mostly because she makes me feel sane. I'm pretty sure we got an A on the project.

These are the only memories that make me miss high school.

Some other pastimes we have include coming up with twitter hashstags such as #drunkencrafts and #sobercrafts while making decorations for the party.

Growing up my mother overdid everything. If she would decorate, throw a party or even cook a thanksgiving dinner it always has to be the best. She should have been on an HGTV show, i would watch it.

I acquired that trait from her as well as many other awesome personal and physical pluses.

Since my mom tried to out due every trend or party with a limited supply of funds and would always succeed, I ended up acquiring a love for awesomeness.

My boyfriends 29th birthday i threw a Harry Potter themed party complete with Hogwarts Express, Quiditch, a wand shop and more. I've thought about become a party planner since every party i plan is the highlight of my day, but i don't know the right people and don't want to have to go back to school since education and I aren't exactly tight.

I was that kid in class with all the "dumb" kids, we weren't dumb just semi mentally challenged.

Don't be jealous because we got to use calculators during math exams.

Now that I've gone completely off subject, lets get back on subject.
I love parties, partying, booze, people, music, life and I'm hoping this Halloween shindig going down at my house is going to as epic as I plan on.

My boyfriend let me invite whoever i want and is letting me decorate the entire apartment, being the crazy person i am i feel I've come up with some great ideas.

Lets see how long it takes for the boyfriends anxiety to make an appearance. Should I have a bet going on?

It would have been cool if i could do a haunted house but i think I'll have to tackle that project next year. I've already been running around like mad woman trying to get all this stuff done by Saturday. Unless the man wants to be in charge of the "haunted garage" but i doubt either of us will have time and i don't want it to be lame. Not that he would make it lame, i just feel i would need to be there to supervise.

So here is the basic story behind my semi-haunted apartment.

It begins in our yard, as you walk into our custom zombie graveyard everyone who has confirmed they're coming is provided there own gravestone. Some say its bad luck for me to provide there own plot in our yard, i say its Halloween so get the fuck over it.

It's also bad luck for a black cat to cross your path and I have one of those.

So i guess my apartment is just going to be full of bad luck.

Anywho,  we're also going to collect sticks, stones and whatever else we can find to make the entrance of our apartment look blair witchy-like.

When you walk through the door you'll see blood dripping over the plastic sheeting covering our walls to resemble Dexter's kill room. Our Lady Gag Gag blow up doll will be strapped to the table as her alcohol filled jello brain is lying next to her.

Around "dead" Lady Gag Gag will be white keg cups set up for black light beer pong since we will be replacing all our lights in the kitchen with black lights.

I think i might need to have a few practice rounds before the party so the host can kick some serious beer pong ass.

When you walk into the living room our couch will be pushed aside for a dance area. As soon as we decide its "dance-party" time we can all break it down with our best party moves however, before then we'll have scary movies playing on our flat screen. The fireplace will be decorated creepy fun style along with the story about our ghost Al Koholic.

Hopefully everyone will be ready to obey the rules and DRINK IT UP!


  1. I sooooooo want to be at this party! There better be a follow-up post to this.

  2. I agree with Matt, I need to see the post party madness. Also, I enjoy the labels associated with this post "kill, alcohol, gag, al koholic." You brilliant bitch.

  3. Well its finally up. I'll probably right a blog post with more of the grimy details later.