Thursday, December 15, 2011

Ive been lost in a land called skyrim

Every winter, without fail, i go into hibernation.

Well Penelope does.

Penelope is my alter ego (besides Tequila Thunder, who comes out after a few too many shots of Jose, Don't judge the cheep stuff) this alter ego is a nerd.

Penelope didn't always exist. Although, growing up with a brother, i did acquire a liking to video games.

Old school.

This is back to Nintendo 64 and I will never forget how Sega and I became best friends when I acquired my addiction to Sonic.

Then one day my father met a woman, she wasn't my favorite person until she attempted to revive my smooshed gerbil. I decided i might have to keep her around in case I accidentally murdered any more pets.

I gained a new family member and no one can have to much family, its only more people to love you.

After my step siblings became close with my brother and I we started to meet every weekend in my dads studio to play Dungeons and Dragons.

Not a video game.

RPG, dice, D&D Master, everything. I even considered Larping, still to this day the Penelope inside of me would love an afternoon of dueling and playing out pretend characters.

My sister was the Dungeon Master and we would spend our weekends playing for hours.

Before meeting them i would have never considered entertaining myself with Role Playing Games, but i fell in love. During this time is when I'm convinced Penelope was born.

We started attending King Richards Faire every year dressed in full costume (I even went one year as my slutty character from D&D) and sometimes we would go acting out different medieval personalities.

We would also spend time rehearsing for plays to put on for our family such as the Ten minute Hamlet.

Oh the memories.

During Hamlet as I acted out my dramatic death, legs tumbling up over my head and falling to the floor I let out a huge fart in front of our small audience, at least it didn't smell. I guess it just made it more realistic.

I hear you let out all your gasses on your death bed anyway.

Any game we ever played together had some sort of theatrical quality to it, we would play UNO with accents and if you broke character you would pick up extra cards. I have a fun family. Some of my favorite memories include those and banging pots and pans to make music/noise when the clock struck midnight every new year. My dad and his friends would sit around holding unforgettable jam sessions and dance parties. I was bomb at the tambourines!

No longer do we get together every weekend in a tiny room on the floor to play the game. Now Penelope enjoys the company of my nerd boyfriend and decides to shack up with us until the weather gets warmer.  Last year she played Lord of the Rings (which is also when i gained 70 pounds. Damn Penelope that hungry, lazy, whore!) and so far this year, its Skyrim.

Would you like to know how ridiculous a couple my boyfriend and Penelope are?

They bought an Xbox only to play Skyrim.

Great job guys!

I applaud you for spending three hundred and something bucks for one game. Kayleigh wants to play some fucking Just Dance bitch! Stop playing skyrim! I need to shake my booty!

okay...I got a little carried away there.

Every morning i get up, clean the house, fold some laundry and before i can even shower i somehow end up sitting on the couch with my cup of coffee lost in the land of Skyrim. Fighting dragons and fus ro da-ing bitches off cliffs and shit. Ohemgeee so much fun! SHUT UP PENELOPE! 

Then my boyfriend comes home to me sitting on the couch glued to the Television set, tries give me a kiss and i have to back away since my un-brushed mouth probably wont taste so good. That's when I look at the clock and realize i have to be at work in a half hour. It takes me at least forty minutes to look presentable and that's pushing it.

When i finally get to work all Penelope can think about is finishing the College of Winterhold quest line so she can become arch mage and get sick gear that makes her mana regen 100% faster. Work finally gets over and i come home only to look at the clock once more and realize its 3am and Penelope has been playing Skyrim for 5 hours. One day I was sick and that bitch played for a straight 13 hours. I went for a walk in the woods with a friend in between but when I came back she had to continue fighting Daugrs and debating on whether she wants to become a vampire or werewolf. We chose neither, so far.

I wish all my problems only had to do with video game land.

I want to know what the people who make these games do to make them so damn addicting! At least now that Penelope beat the game I can convince her to take a small break and then maybe we can discuss starting a new character since her last one had a lot of glitches. She should have just got it on the computer, apparently the glitches on the computer version are easier to fix than the ones on the X Box. At least that's what Google tells us.


  1. Can Penelope find me a girlfriend that of similar personality? When StarCraft 2 came out, I went a lil' bit crazy and my gf-of-the-time was none too happy to hear about the game constantly from me or my friends, much less play herself.

  2. I don't think Penelope has many friends like her. If she finds one, she will be sure to put in a good word for ya.