Jamaica made me contsipated

Its been a while since my last blog post. 

I feel like I've started my last few posts with that awful sentence.

Every time I think about blogging I realize how boring my life has been lately. A boring life leads to less blog posts.

Every day I think to myself "Oh..maybe ill finally write a new blog post."

I begin to try and remember interesting things that happened since I last wrote.

Aand I come up with a big, depressing, gaping hole of nothingness.

No need to depress myself, right? 

But I miss being able to vent about anything. I miss wanting to write about how boring my life has been or how exciting it can be. No matter what happens, at the end of the day or during a late night, my form of therapy is drinking a few beers and writing out anything that comes to mind.

I guess my life as of late hasn't been that boring. Tuesday night I drank a little too much and it ended up being that night im never going to remember. No matter what pictures may surface, nothing even rings a bell. Oops.

I'm just going to blame that on Jamaica.
Not even really Jamaica, more like the resort we stayed in which happened to be located in Jamaica.

The resort was one of the cheapest all inclusive resorts we could find and needless to say we found out why.

The first day we arrived everything was perfect. It was my boyfriend, myself and two of our good friends (another couple) who we always have a great time with. The resort looked beautiful, the weather was amazing, the drinks were free and the pool was just as awesome as everything else.

We spent our first night chatting it up with the bartender downstairs and ended up back in our hotel rooms finishing off the two bottles of Vodka we payed 30 bucks for.

After a few Vodka and Orange sodas, as well as a little something extra for myself, we ended up rapping Afro Mans "Colt 45" to all of Jamaica from our porch and rolling around on the King sized bed trying to figure out how many times it would take to roll onto the floor.

This was already turning out to be the best vacation ever.

The next morning i woke up feeling refreshingly hungover and proceeded to the porch where I support my nicotine habit. While out there, I decided it would be the best time to pass some gas. Especially since all the crap i had eaten the night before made me sure it was going to be a smelly one.

Aand wow. It was.

Well at least I thought it was.

A few hours later i went back out on the porch to once again support my dream of getting cancer and my dream was squashed.

I  believed the heat of the sun helped to seep in the disgusting stench of my fart into the walls of our porch. We were going to be haunted by my fart throughout our entire vacation.


I couldn't help but to be a little proud.

If only i had known where the smell was really coming from.

I warned them to not step outside into the gas bubble, I told them it smelled terrible and wouldn't go away. They didn't listen, instead they braved there way past the sliding glass doors, into the fart chamber.

To my relief and maybe a little disappointment, I found out the smell was not my doing.

Our porch was located right above one of many septic systems placed throughout the resort. 

I don't know if the thing overflowed or what happened while we were there but after that everywhere we went smelled like shit.

How did we not notice this our first night?

Along with the disgusting two beers located in our mini fridge, the man made cement beach and our only chance to discover the real Jamaica being ruined, I barely even got to dance.

AND I FUCKING LOVE TO DANCE!!!

The one night we decided to check out the "Night Club", we ended up grabbing a cup of tequila and getting the fuck out since our shoes were sticking to the floor while we were trying to bust a move and came to the conclusion that it was more of a dive bar than a night club.


Karaoke was fun though. And i made some pool friends who danced the electric slide with me.

This is when we get to the food.

The reason i believe my stomach has been all fucked up since we've been back.

I didn't expect gourmet five star meal, every meal of the day, but i did expect my food to be at least be luke warm.  
 
Is that too much to ask?

I think not!

I know im a picky eater but I'll try things before i decide i don't like it.

Hell, I tried fish and sushi during this vacation.

Even though the smell of fish alone makes me want to vomit, i still put it in my mouth. I gave the rest away but i still tried it, and that's the whole point. Right?

I've never had problems going to the bathroom.

I enjoy that i poop at least once a day. I'm hardly ever bloated, i feel relaxed all the time and I never have to worry about unnecessary stomach pains.

Ever since we've been back from Jamaica Ive had trouble taking a dump. My boyfriend and I even went to the super market today to grab something to help me out with it and still nothing.

I've maybe gone twice since we've been home, and we got back last Saturday.

This is why i blame my drunkenness Tuesday night on Jamaica.

Saturday morning was our last day of warm weather and free booze.

A sad day it was.

It became even sadder when I seriously started thinking about using a knife to cut out my stomach. Food only made the cramps and bloating worse, i felt like a pregnant lady. Sunday came along and I just wanted the pain to go away.

Not eating helped.

By the time Tuesday came around the only thing close to a meal that went in, our around my mouth was a side of  french fries from Friendlys.

I decided to be smart and leave my money at home, since Jamaica made me broke and i planned on not drinking at all.

I even ordered a water, which is extremely unusual for me, but the next thing i know someone is ordering a beverage and then a few shots later...

My alarm goes off and I'm snuggled all in my bed while my phone is yelling at me to go to work.

If it weren't for the food at the resort making me constipated, i would have eaten that day and the day before.

Therefore i wouldn't have been such a light weight and four drinks in three hours wouldn't have gotten me so wasted.

Jamaica wasn't all bad, It was still a great vacation.

Free booze, warm weather and awesome people. Nothing, even the shit smell randomly popping up all around the resort could ruin our fun.

Most of our time was spent in the pool anyway, and luckily the smell didn't linger over to that area. We always got our spot right next to the bar and the fact they ran out of the tequila couldn't even ruin the fun we were having.

One step closer to freezing

Everyone is wetting themselves with excitement over the fall season.

Everyone, except for me.

Sure, the leaves turn pretty colors, Halloween is pretty fucking amazing and you don't have to worry about sweating your ass off during the hottest of summer months.

However when i think of fall, i dwell on the more negative side of this wonderful season.

Living in New England has its perks during the summer, fall and spring months. There is always something to do, with all the beaches, going into the city, theme parks and Oktoberfest-ivities this is one of the greatest places to live.

If only i could live here every other season except for winter.

I know it isn't winter yet, but this just brings me to my list of reasons i don't like fall.

1.No more free tans. I cant go outside in my bikini during 60 degree weather and get a tan. I enjoy getting up early just to plop my butt on the warm sandy beach and take a nap for a few hours. I get to relax and wake up with an amazing shade of brown I didn't have to pay for. No tanning beds and fifty dollar monthly packages. Just me, a case of beer, the view and some tanning oil.

2.No more shorts. I'm picky when it comes to clothing, I could care less whats "trendy" or not, ill wear white after labor or before or....whenever the hell they say you aren't supposed to (if i want).
I put on my body what's comfortable, what i think looks good and one of those clothing items is a nice pair of shorts. I can move without worrying about them ripping off or falling down, I seem to have that problem with jeans. Shorts fit me better plus Ive been told i have nice legs. Guys, i know your going to miss seeing the extra skin on girls while they strut there stuff down the streets on warm summer days as well, you can't deny it. Fall comes along and they cover it all up until next year. Savor the moments. I know you do it, because i do.


3.One step closer to freezing. How ever beautiful the change may be from summer to fall, the dying leaves only mean one thing. Winter. Winter is by far my most hated season, ever. I wouldn't be upset if we got rid of it all together. Fall, spring and summer can stay, but winter has got to get the fuck out. Winter means cold, cold means snow, with snow you get ice. Clumsy me enjoys falling on her ass so hard she cant walk for week on this wonderful slippery substance. Cold means heavy coats and having to get up earlier than usual to warm your car in the morning, cold means its time for my hibernation and fifty pound weight gain. How about we just skip all that and go straight to spring. I want to be able to walk outside barefoot, without a huge heavy bubble coat, gloves and boots that soak up more water than keep out.

I want to be able to smell the warm summer breeze and feel the ocean waves at my feet. I guess i wouldn't hate fall so much if Winter didn't exist. Unfortunately it does, and unless i want to move somewhere tropical, which is a huge possibility, I'll just have to suck it up until spring.

Well. Happy October!

At least I can look forward to taking pictures of the leaves, my Halloween party and drawing more pictures like this one!