Id rather pee outside

Yesterday I found out the floor in our bathroom was crooked and my boyfriend and I would have to use the upstairs bathroom.

Which is fine.

If i didn't find it awkward using his fathers bathroom, who i barely ever speak with.

If i haven't mentioned this before I live with my boyfriend, who lives in his fathers basement. Its not just a basement, its a finished apartment, but his father comes down every now and then to get into the garage and what-not.

I hardly ever frequent the upstairs apartment.

This morning I slept in late since i was kept up all night by coughing and sneezing from a cold i'm never going to get rid of and an ear that wont pop back to normal, only to wake up with a text message telling me about our bathroom floor.

Whatever, no biggy, i can deal with it for a couple days.

So his dad comes downstairs today and come to find out our entire bathroom floor is rotted.

YAYY!!


Now they are going to rip apart our bathroom and i have to get over my fear of taking a dump in someones house i rarely talk to.
What if i have to pee at 2am? I pee and awful lot. I probably have bladder problems and am way too much of   a pussy to go to the doctor and get it checked out. I would rather pee in the comfort of my own apartment, a journey which takes only a few minutes out of my life. But now i have to venture up the stairs into the unknown just to take a pee.

I always dreamed of how convenient my life would be if i were a dude, but now more than ever do i wish i had a penis. I could take a quick walk outside, aim for a good spot, shake it off and be on my way. However, being a girl i need to find a quite spot where no one would notice and pop a squat to do the girl version of shaking it off, which is no where near as clean as the guy version of shaking it off.

I'm kind of a hygiene freak, i use a paper towel to open doors of public restrooms. I have an entire public restroom routine which I wont get into right now.

Anywho, on a more positive note I guess this will make it easier to remodel our now "closet sized" bathroom into something more comfortable.

Is it bad that i don't give a shit right now and would rather be able to use my own bathroom than walk into the unknown world of my boyfriends fathers house?

Oh well, I got a high five from his dad earlier when the boyfriend accompanied me on a successful peeing mission.

I should have been on a pull-ups commercial. I could hear there thoughts singing "I'm a big kid now!"

Jamaica made me contsipated

Its been a while since my last blog post. 

I feel like I've started my last few posts with that awful sentence.

Every time I think about blogging I realize how boring my life has been lately. A boring life leads to less blog posts.

Every day I think to myself "Oh..maybe ill finally write a new blog post."

I begin to try and remember interesting things that happened since I last wrote.

Aand I come up with a big, depressing, gaping hole of nothingness.

No need to depress myself, right? 

But I miss being able to vent about anything. I miss wanting to write about how boring my life has been or how exciting it can be. No matter what happens, at the end of the day or during a late night, my form of therapy is drinking a few beers and writing out anything that comes to mind.

I guess my life as of late hasn't been that boring. Tuesday night I drank a little too much and it ended up being that night im never going to remember. No matter what pictures may surface, nothing even rings a bell. Oops.

I'm just going to blame that on Jamaica.
Not even really Jamaica, more like the resort we stayed in which happened to be located in Jamaica.

The resort was one of the cheapest all inclusive resorts we could find and needless to say we found out why.

The first day we arrived everything was perfect. It was my boyfriend, myself and two of our good friends (another couple) who we always have a great time with. The resort looked beautiful, the weather was amazing, the drinks were free and the pool was just as awesome as everything else.

We spent our first night chatting it up with the bartender downstairs and ended up back in our hotel rooms finishing off the two bottles of Vodka we payed 30 bucks for.

After a few Vodka and Orange sodas, as well as a little something extra for myself, we ended up rapping Afro Mans "Colt 45" to all of Jamaica from our porch and rolling around on the King sized bed trying to figure out how many times it would take to roll onto the floor.

This was already turning out to be the best vacation ever.

The next morning i woke up feeling refreshingly hungover and proceeded to the porch where I support my nicotine habit. While out there, I decided it would be the best time to pass some gas. Especially since all the crap i had eaten the night before made me sure it was going to be a smelly one.

Aand wow. It was.

Well at least I thought it was.

A few hours later i went back out on the porch to once again support my dream of getting cancer and my dream was squashed.

I  believed the heat of the sun helped to seep in the disgusting stench of my fart into the walls of our porch. We were going to be haunted by my fart throughout our entire vacation.


I couldn't help but to be a little proud.

If only i had known where the smell was really coming from.

I warned them to not step outside into the gas bubble, I told them it smelled terrible and wouldn't go away. They didn't listen, instead they braved there way past the sliding glass doors, into the fart chamber.

To my relief and maybe a little disappointment, I found out the smell was not my doing.

Our porch was located right above one of many septic systems placed throughout the resort. 

I don't know if the thing overflowed or what happened while we were there but after that everywhere we went smelled like shit.

How did we not notice this our first night?

Along with the disgusting two beers located in our mini fridge, the man made cement beach and our only chance to discover the real Jamaica being ruined, I barely even got to dance.

AND I FUCKING LOVE TO DANCE!!!

The one night we decided to check out the "Night Club", we ended up grabbing a cup of tequila and getting the fuck out since our shoes were sticking to the floor while we were trying to bust a move and came to the conclusion that it was more of a dive bar than a night club.


Karaoke was fun though. And i made some pool friends who danced the electric slide with me.

This is when we get to the food.

The reason i believe my stomach has been all fucked up since we've been back.

I didn't expect gourmet five star meal, every meal of the day, but i did expect my food to be at least be luke warm.  
 
Is that too much to ask?

I think not!

I know im a picky eater but I'll try things before i decide i don't like it.

Hell, I tried fish and sushi during this vacation.

Even though the smell of fish alone makes me want to vomit, i still put it in my mouth. I gave the rest away but i still tried it, and that's the whole point. Right?

I've never had problems going to the bathroom.

I enjoy that i poop at least once a day. I'm hardly ever bloated, i feel relaxed all the time and I never have to worry about unnecessary stomach pains.

Ever since we've been back from Jamaica Ive had trouble taking a dump. My boyfriend and I even went to the super market today to grab something to help me out with it and still nothing.

I've maybe gone twice since we've been home, and we got back last Saturday.

This is why i blame my drunkenness Tuesday night on Jamaica.

Saturday morning was our last day of warm weather and free booze.

A sad day it was.

It became even sadder when I seriously started thinking about using a knife to cut out my stomach. Food only made the cramps and bloating worse, i felt like a pregnant lady. Sunday came along and I just wanted the pain to go away.

Not eating helped.

By the time Tuesday came around the only thing close to a meal that went in, our around my mouth was a side of  french fries from Friendlys.

I decided to be smart and leave my money at home, since Jamaica made me broke and i planned on not drinking at all.

I even ordered a water, which is extremely unusual for me, but the next thing i know someone is ordering a beverage and then a few shots later...

My alarm goes off and I'm snuggled all in my bed while my phone is yelling at me to go to work.

If it weren't for the food at the resort making me constipated, i would have eaten that day and the day before.

Therefore i wouldn't have been such a light weight and four drinks in three hours wouldn't have gotten me so wasted.

Jamaica wasn't all bad, It was still a great vacation.

Free booze, warm weather and awesome people. Nothing, even the shit smell randomly popping up all around the resort could ruin our fun.

Most of our time was spent in the pool anyway, and luckily the smell didn't linger over to that area. We always got our spot right next to the bar and the fact they ran out of the tequila couldn't even ruin the fun we were having.

Someone farted on my pillow..

For some reason or another I tend to attract conjunctivitis. I wear contacts and i wash my hands a gazillion times a day, but working in the restaurant business makes it a tad bit hard to keep all the germs away.

I used to get it around 3 times a year, so much where it got to the point that my doctor told me to put the left over medication in the freezer so when i get it again i don't have to come back and see him.

So of course with my awesome luck, since its been quite a while since I've had a it last, a girl i work with decided to bless herself with the pink eye. Thanks a lot.

I woke up yesterday morning with my eyes bright red, juicy and sticky. And to my disappointment had to call out of work in fear of spreading the shit eye virus.

It pisses me off how easily it spreads, someone in China farts on someones pillow, then they bring that pillow to america which then gives that person conjuncativitis. Then that person decides to spread the fart particles into someone elses eye and so and so forth and its a never ending cycle of people farting in other peoples eyes. Its ridiculous!

We must stop this madness!

Wash your hands people! If you really want to pull a fart joke on someone just give them the dutch oven. You get the satisfaction of letting someone else inhale your stench and your victim in return doesn't get pink eye.

Tom says its because I'm a dirty Puerto Rican, but thats his answer for everything.

"Oh your car door wont open today? Its because your a dirty Puerto Rican and it thinks your gonna steal it. Spanish people cant own cars."

Hes not racist...he just thinks hes funny, and maybe he is.

So in conclusion, if you have this terrible never ending icky-eye disease please don't talk to me, look at me, serve my food, or even think about me. It can hear your thoughts and wants to be my best friend, when in reality its my number one enemy.

Birds of a feather...pee together?

Last night I went out with my boyfriend and some friends...whats new right?

And once again I find myself a pee friend. Why is it that girls need to have company while going to the bathroom?

I do it all the time, so I'm not judging.

Its not like we need any help, we are all grown adults and know how to use a toilet. It just happens.

After a few drinks our bladders fill up, we try to hold it until the last second because you know once you break the seal its all done for the night and your gonna be going every ten minutes. But once you gotta go you start asking if any of your friends need to go too. (You need someone to hold your drink for you. Its kind of tough to pee in a public restroom and hold your drink at the same time)

You then proceed to the bathroom, where there usually is more than one stall but always end up in the handicap because its bigger..

This is when the gossip starts, once we are in the bathroom there is no one to listen to us (except a few fellow bladder relievers). So we start talking about whatever comes to our minds, our own personal friend pee therapy.

We mention other people at the bar, the hot guys, the bitches, the sluts, our day, normal girl talk. Then we fix ourselves up, wash our hands, check our teeth, hair and makeup in the mirror and strut our stuff on back to the bar.

And in my case usually as im talking it up my friend decides to have a photoshoot of me on the toilet...I couldn't tell you how many pee pictures i have of myself that i keep locked away safe in my computer away from public view.

I wonder if its our subconscious preparing us for a ninja bathroom attack. Figure if we are together we'll have more chance of surviving...even though unless i have a friend who is a black belt in some type of martial arts i don't know about, i don't think we would stand a chance against ninjas.

Maybe zombies? I could take a zombie down in the bathroom with my girls. But then again I overestimate my strength when I've put down a few tequila shots, and im pretty sure ive never had a sober group peeing session.