Id rather pee outside

Yesterday I found out the floor in our bathroom was crooked and my boyfriend and I would have to use the upstairs bathroom.

Which is fine.

If i didn't find it awkward using his fathers bathroom, who i barely ever speak with.

If i haven't mentioned this before I live with my boyfriend, who lives in his fathers basement. Its not just a basement, its a finished apartment, but his father comes down every now and then to get into the garage and what-not.

I hardly ever frequent the upstairs apartment.

This morning I slept in late since i was kept up all night by coughing and sneezing from a cold i'm never going to get rid of and an ear that wont pop back to normal, only to wake up with a text message telling me about our bathroom floor.

Whatever, no biggy, i can deal with it for a couple days.

So his dad comes downstairs today and come to find out our entire bathroom floor is rotted.

YAYY!!


Now they are going to rip apart our bathroom and i have to get over my fear of taking a dump in someones house i rarely talk to.
What if i have to pee at 2am? I pee and awful lot. I probably have bladder problems and am way too much of   a pussy to go to the doctor and get it checked out. I would rather pee in the comfort of my own apartment, a journey which takes only a few minutes out of my life. But now i have to venture up the stairs into the unknown just to take a pee.

I always dreamed of how convenient my life would be if i were a dude, but now more than ever do i wish i had a penis. I could take a quick walk outside, aim for a good spot, shake it off and be on my way. However, being a girl i need to find a quite spot where no one would notice and pop a squat to do the girl version of shaking it off, which is no where near as clean as the guy version of shaking it off.

I'm kind of a hygiene freak, i use a paper towel to open doors of public restrooms. I have an entire public restroom routine which I wont get into right now.

Anywho, on a more positive note I guess this will make it easier to remodel our now "closet sized" bathroom into something more comfortable.

Is it bad that i don't give a shit right now and would rather be able to use my own bathroom than walk into the unknown world of my boyfriends fathers house?

Oh well, I got a high five from his dad earlier when the boyfriend accompanied me on a successful peeing mission.

I should have been on a pull-ups commercial. I could hear there thoughts singing "I'm a big kid now!"

I wish it was cool to pee your pants

Babies pee their pants all the time, and its awesome.

Mom and dad are happy everything is going well with the child's digestive system, wipes his/her ass clean, covers it with all kinds of yummy smelling baby products and goes on with their day until the next time they relieve themselves.

The memories i wish we could keep forever.

I would love to see the look on my mothers face as she wipes my shitty butt when suddenly a pile of chocolate colored mush comes slowing gushing out of my anus while she is about to put a clean diaper on.  

Those were the fun times, I'm sure.


Mom, have i ever told you how much i love you for cleaning up my bathroom mess while i was incapable?

Im pretty sure i was so lazy that i milked the "I cant wipe myself" phase for as long as i could.

It's so much easier not having to go through the process of washing your hands and the sanitizing routine your parents taught you as a child. Its just to much damn work!

When someone else does it for you there's no worry about whether or not you have some feces residue lingering under a finger nail or something.

As a baby you can even leak diarrhea through your diaper in the middle of a restaurant and someone will still make you try and give them a high five, babies giving high fives are the cutest things ever. I've witnessed it.

I made a kid give me a high five today after he picked his nose. It was awesome.

Gotta love germs. Booger germs, apparently are worse than pee germs. I still don't believe it.

I think its an urban legend and myth busters should test it out.

Suddenly this all changes when your an adult, and its no longer acceptable just to relieve yourself anywhere. I don't agree with this, peeing your pants should be cool.

We can leave the leaky diarrhea bum for the toilets however.

If I'm relaxing on the couch watching a movie I don't want to get up when I have the sudden urge to pee. I need to have the ability to sit and enjoy an entire movie without interruption.

Especially since my DVD player is broken and cant pause. That's when I end up missing crucial scenes and start asking my boyfriend whats going on over and over and over again.

I'm sure it gets annoying after a while.

I would want to punch me in the face if i were him. But we all know where that would lead...broken ribs.

Then there are the cold winter nights snuggled comfy and cozy in bed, the most comfortable I've been in forever, when my bladder suddenly feels its going into a volcanic eruption. I don't want to move and start to consider letting it all out on the covers.

But I cant.

I don't think my boyfriend wants a golden shower either. I do consider others feelings sometimes.

I make my journey to the bathroom, waste five minutes of my life, get back in bed and try to get into that amazingly comfortable position I will never discover again.

If it wasn't unacceptable, i would have sunk in a pile of pee until morning.

And those times when I'm at the bar...

After my third or fourth tequila cranberry and pinneapple, its time to break the seal. In the process of trying to be an adult and not urinate on the floor, I head to the stalls. One problem, all the other girls in the bar decided it would be a good idea to do the same.

Thirty minutes later, I miss last call and almost pee my pants anyway. What good did that bring?

This may be why i usually choose to let it flow outdoors.

In bank parking lots, on deuschy neighbors rugs, in the shower....

why not kill two birds with one stone? 

Peeing in the shower is awesome, it preserves an extra ten seconds of my life. Then I can use that extra time to floss my teeth.

Dental hygiene matters people!


All of this might just prove how truly lazy i am.

In my defense though...

I try and keep myself busy.

I'm not one of those people who can sit still.

Serving in a restaurant never gives you the time to be lazy anyhow. Take your eyes off a table for one second and depending on how needy the costumer is, it might cost you your twenty percent tip.

Its fucked up that some people don't even let you take a minute just to piss.

During these times is when i wish it was cool to pee your pants.

That way, i could go on taking orders from tables in my pee pants and everything would be alright. I heard that pee is sterile anyway so it wouldn't be violating any cleanliness rules. People can drink others peoples pee and be fine right?

Okayy.. I just grossed myself out right there

But if other people weren't so damn picky about how fast, or even sometimes, how slow they want their service I wouldn't feel the need to make peeing my pants cool.

We should start a movement. A pee your pants movement. Lets turn heads and change the world! All you gotta do is pee your pants!

Birds of a feather...pee together?

Last night I went out with my boyfriend and some friends...whats new right?

And once again I find myself a pee friend. Why is it that girls need to have company while going to the bathroom?

I do it all the time, so I'm not judging.

Its not like we need any help, we are all grown adults and know how to use a toilet. It just happens.

After a few drinks our bladders fill up, we try to hold it until the last second because you know once you break the seal its all done for the night and your gonna be going every ten minutes. But once you gotta go you start asking if any of your friends need to go too. (You need someone to hold your drink for you. Its kind of tough to pee in a public restroom and hold your drink at the same time)

You then proceed to the bathroom, where there usually is more than one stall but always end up in the handicap because its bigger..

This is when the gossip starts, once we are in the bathroom there is no one to listen to us (except a few fellow bladder relievers). So we start talking about whatever comes to our minds, our own personal friend pee therapy.

We mention other people at the bar, the hot guys, the bitches, the sluts, our day, normal girl talk. Then we fix ourselves up, wash our hands, check our teeth, hair and makeup in the mirror and strut our stuff on back to the bar.

And in my case usually as im talking it up my friend decides to have a photoshoot of me on the toilet...I couldn't tell you how many pee pictures i have of myself that i keep locked away safe in my computer away from public view.

I wonder if its our subconscious preparing us for a ninja bathroom attack. Figure if we are together we'll have more chance of surviving...even though unless i have a friend who is a black belt in some type of martial arts i don't know about, i don't think we would stand a chance against ninjas.

Maybe zombies? I could take a zombie down in the bathroom with my girls. But then again I overestimate my strength when I've put down a few tequila shots, and im pretty sure ive never had a sober group peeing session.